And It's September Already...

Tonight as I sit by myself and look at the darkness around me, I feel the warmth of happy memories wrap me in its comforting arms, like a drug trying to soothe the restlessness of my mind. I feel safe and sound in the apparent nothingness of everything around me.. Somehow, I have grown to like nights like these.. all alone on my couch with nothing but a dim light at the back of the house to help me see the little that I can as I make my way to bed early in the morning when the sky is still at it's darkest best! I feel like everything that I have learnt, everything I have come to realize over time, everything that matters, all comes down to nights like these. Nights when all I really want is hookah to drown me deeper into myself, into my mind and its thoughts, and even deeper into the soul  I like to believe lives within me. It's on nights like these that I do nothing to fight my exhaustion, just sit around and look at nothing in particular and just think about everything, worthy or unworthy of my time...

As I let time pass by at it's seemingly sluggish pace, I realize that somebody, in another corner of the world, in another corner of this city perhaps is doing the same right now. Probably with a cigarette between her fingers,burning away to ashes as the occasional puff or two, as an attempt to purposely break a reverie of thoughts that seems to be going the wrong, more painful way ends up in a packet's worth of nicotine in her system. Probably with an unfinished bottle of alcohol in his hands, a couple of empty ones at his feet.. as the bitter taste on his tongue seems to compete with the bitterness that memories have created in him. Thankfully, I have never been the kind to need any of those when I need to break free or break down just to be able to piece myself together again as a stronger more,insensitive person.. someone who has one more thing to not care about.

These are nights I feel hope shatter into a million pieces, like a mirror thrown at with a heavy rock, as the uneven, course edges of the shards cut into my flesh of love, lust and longing and the wounds bleed nothing but faith which I try to keep alive everyday, because I like to believe it's keeping the world together. These are the nights I breathe air into my lungs stronger than I do everyday, trying to exhale the pain in my chest, let it out like a whooshing, whistling wind carrying dead leaves in the autumn. The vibrant red, the soothing yellow, the depressing brown and inspiring orange of the leaves seem to be colors of different aspects of life... aspects that come to life day in and day out.. until they all wither away one day into a dry coarseness, like the dead leaves that crunch under your feet as you take a walk in a park you haven't been to for ages.. the same leaves that rustle in the wind that blows the locks of my hair onto face as I sit here in the balcony trying to feel the life in the air around me...

It's on a night like this that I find in myself, room for new hope, new faith and another side of me.. that too one day will find itself in pieces that I will pick up only to throw away for another to discover as my past, whose remnants I will always fight to kill, to save myself the pain of nostalgia... Like the remnants of a past that I've been trying to kill.. And it's September already...

And Here We Go Again

Just when you think its over, you're back at the beginning... Sigh. Another long walk, with your strength at its weakest and a will that is giving up, something you're forcing to just live another second... half of it even.


The worst part about being me is that you can never admit what you feel easily and when you do, you can't not break down... Yeah dipshit.. I miss you. Fuck you. Hard. Just look back will you?! 


I'm not weak. Never have been. But I want to run away from here. Life's such a bitch right now.. It closed that door a couple of weeks ago. Goodbye United World College of South East Asia, Singapore... I was so close to getting in this year. Had I just thought of running away earlier. I would have been so busy that I wouldn't have had time to think about what I was leaving behind here..


What do you mean by being stuck in time? The fact that everything around you is moving so fast and you're stuck to one moment with something so strong, you can't overcome.. Or.. that time has stopped moving al-together.. To be honest, I can't tell the difference. So its hard to figure out what's happening right now.


People say, "Life's a game... PLAY it!" It takes more than just a little while to get the dice in your hands.


Life's a cheat. It knows what cards you have... It owns the whole deck.


What do I do?

Dear Diary: A Million Thoughts Put into One.

I've always preferred the summer over the winter. The long days in my blankets, loaded with a hundred layers of wool, eating anything and everything I can get my hands on, gets to me after a while. I've always been intolerant to the cold. I've never really enjoyed the feeling of a chilly wind that freezes you to the very depth of your bones.
 
Ironically enough, I'm waiting for the winter this year. I don't know why but when I think of it, I can only think of one reason.

I feel vulnerable to the winter. This whole summer, I've been creating this shield around me and my weaknesses.... So much so, I almost want to feel vulnerable to myself again. I want to feel something get to my depths... Leave me pleasantly SHOCKED at what it can ignite in me. 

It's the season of changed perceptions.. For me that is. I wouldn't want to explain why.
My last winter was special. And come what may, it always will be. Time has flown by since then, at a pace so fast. It's been like this gust of wind that only gave me the gift of a couple of breaths. The season changed and along with that the very essence of the winds that took away with them every emotion I exhaled.... blew them so far away into existence that I can't even think of reaching out for them again.


That season was a tiny but major part of my summer. It was how I got in touch with the void.. the vacuum the winds around me were. It was that vacuum I filled with long conversations with people who thought I mattered.

My summer held the essence of friendship. I can't even explain how, because its just that overwhelming. 
I found love in the winter.. I lost it at the crack of dawn in the summer.

But I want to feel those winter winds again. I want to breathe in that essence. I want there to be another winter like the WINTER OF 2009!

Just One!

Holaaaaaa fellow bloggers! :D

Yes, its another day of the week and I haven't gone to school.. AGAIN! But hey... this time it's for a genuine reason. Trust me! I've been stressed.. Needed to go pamper myself! Now, I am NOT going to debate over why this is a genuine reason. Because so far its the best reason why I've missed school.

Right now, I'm texting a friend who's sitting in a math class in another school! Yes, I miss her! Loads! Bunking classes at school isn't fun anymore.. And plus I've been caught too many times, I've been given shit loads of warnings and threats and my mother has already met my class teacher regarding this. There's no way I'm taking it to the principal. As much as I know that lady, she HATES me. Probably, so much so that she would push me down the school building if she could! :| Yes, my popularity at school has kicked up ten times since my name was announced on the intercom.. for the MILLIONTH time! My sister, also in the same school and totally the opposite of me should be used to this by now. She says she gets a mini heart-attack whenever she hears my name and prays I don't get expelled! LOL!

I'm in one of my totally random moods.. That, you will figure! Did you know there's a song called "Digging in the Nose" ? I swear it exists. Check youtube if you don't believe me! I heard it on VH1 and its hilarious! It goes like.. "Quit digging in the nose.. Quit digging in the nose." LMAO!

Talking about crazy songs.. There's this song on youtube.. Kash Koi mil Jaaye.. By DJ Faddu! And its SICK! Not the good wala sick.. but the disgusting wala sick but it had me rolling on the floor for hours! That one goes like "Kash koi mil jaye vo meri jaan, koi silicon ki dukaan, jiska bhari ho saman...." Roflmao! 

Now, taking the randomness to another level! I'm in the mood to answer questions! Sooooo.. All bloggers who have actually made it to the end of this post, you get to ask me any ONE question!  It could be anything.. Personal too.! Don't worry about me answering it, cuz I will.. Right here on this blog! Now, take it away! :D

The Lull Before the Storm?

Oh Yeah! The four people who mentioned that to me.. well... this is when I get to tell you! You guys were effin' right! No, this has nothing to do with my party (which I'm still worried about :| ) BUT drama has finally made its way into my life! DRAMA, you were BADLY missed.. Thank You! And you will be welcome as long as you don't screw me up too badly! The opposite of what I see coming my way! Well, if that's how I have to handle it, then bring it on sistaaaah! :D

Arrrgh!

*Jams head right into the wall*

CAN SOMEONE JUST KILL ME! :|

Dear Diary: Does She Know?

They say, "Sometimes you don't know what you have till you've seen someone's loss...." How true!

She said, "I've waited. I know I have... But you know what, I'd rather keep waiting. For myself if not for anything else. It may be false hope... But if I've waited so long, I'd like to wait simply because I have so much time at stake already. It may be fruitless... And that feeling isn't pleasant.. But in the end, while I wouldn't be able to live with the fact I gave up, I can still live knowing that I waited... maybe for nothing.... But I can't be sure of that. And that has kept me going."

The tear she held back then, spilled the truth of a heart forcefully caged in hope... Just so she could keep herself together.

A friend had heard every word that I had. Somehow, neither of us had anything to say. Neither of us could tell her to let go and move on, because we didn't have the courage to shatter hope, whose innocence, forced us to believe that maybe sometimes, we should just hold on to the tiny pieces that we can fit together.

But seeing her... the loss of her time.... I like to believe that I have what she doesn't... Almost a decade of time that I won't have regrets for....

But I respect her.. Why? Because... she has the strength to hold on.. while... I would rather just let go.

Time is running by... But Does She Know?

I Could Really Use a Wish RIght Now :)

Look into one of the million eyes of heaven tonight and wish upon a star.

I don't know about you.. But I could really use a wish right now!

Look at the moon, and smile at the woman there and whisper a wish.

I don't know about you, but I could really use a wish right now!

Look at a red mail van and cross your fingers.

I don't know about you, but I could really use a wish right now!

Stand under the bridge with a train passing over and maintain silence till you see a black car.

I don't know about you, but I could really use a wish right now.

Hold your lucky charm and pray. Who knows, you might just be heard!

I don't know about you, but I could really use a wish right now!

" Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky

Are like shooting stars?

I could really use a wish right now,

WIsh right now, Wish right now! " -Airplanes, B.o.B feat. Hayley Williams

From a Friend to Another

This goes out for two people in particular.. One is my best friend. And the other, well, is my best friend's Chuddy Buddy, as she likes to say.

I had written I CONFESS.. for this friend of mine, some time ago. But I don't really think she understood what I was trying to say.

Dear Friend,
It used to be ME and YOU against the world.It used to be long conversations everyday, without caring about whether we had anything important to talk about or not. It used to be more than just "Tell me what's been going on? It's been so long." It used to be more than just the seldom phone conversations just for the heck of it. And as much as I hate to admit it, I'd rather have us not talking at all, than being what we are right now. I'm at the verge of giving up. I'm still trying to hold on though. But incase I can't, just know that I tried harder than you did. Just know, that these are the efforts I will NEVER regret, because friendship is something I can never. And in our case, it was more than that. Funny, how I can't say that it IS more than that now, because to be honest, we both know its not. And this goes out to promises you couldn't keep about still being the same person. Because whether you admit it or not, you're NOT the person I knew like the back of my hand! And you can never have reasons good enough to explain why you changed.

You couldn't perceive my need.. My need for a shoulder to cry on, an ear to whisper my pain into. You overlooked my hand when I had held it up the highest as a call for help. Perhaps you didn't even know it was me. And that's what we are now. And maybe it's all we can be now.. If I'm ever asked why, I can't even look at you for the answers, the reasons, because you never seem to have any.

It's not about where you are, its about who you've become. And well, this might just be it from my side, because I was friends with the person you WERE, not whoever it is that you are now.

Yours
Shivangi and Another Friend (For her Chuddy Buddy! )

An Ultimatum

The Ultimatum of a Standstill is the ONLY of its kind.
Time doesn't stop, but everything else does.
Whatever it is that's left, is the void of nothingness you are drowned in to believe in occurrences that seem like illusions you lose to the simple touch of emotions.

I wonder if it can be the beginning of something too...