And It's September Already...

Tonight as I sit by myself and look at the darkness around me, I feel the warmth of happy memories wrap me in its comforting arms, like a drug trying to soothe the restlessness of my mind. I feel safe and sound in the apparent nothingness of everything around me.. Somehow, I have grown to like nights like these.. all alone on my couch with nothing but a dim light at the back of the house to help me see the little that I can as I make my way to bed early in the morning when the sky is still at it's darkest best! I feel like everything that I have learnt, everything I have come to realize over time, everything that matters, all comes down to nights like these. Nights when all I really want is hookah to drown me deeper into myself, into my mind and its thoughts, and even deeper into the soul  I like to believe lives within me. It's on nights like these that I do nothing to fight my exhaustion, just sit around and look at nothing in particular and just think about everything, worthy or unworthy of my time...

As I let time pass by at it's seemingly sluggish pace, I realize that somebody, in another corner of the world, in another corner of this city perhaps is doing the same right now. Probably with a cigarette between her fingers,burning away to ashes as the occasional puff or two, as an attempt to purposely break a reverie of thoughts that seems to be going the wrong, more painful way ends up in a packet's worth of nicotine in her system. Probably with an unfinished bottle of alcohol in his hands, a couple of empty ones at his feet.. as the bitter taste on his tongue seems to compete with the bitterness that memories have created in him. Thankfully, I have never been the kind to need any of those when I need to break free or break down just to be able to piece myself together again as a stronger more,insensitive person.. someone who has one more thing to not care about.

These are nights I feel hope shatter into a million pieces, like a mirror thrown at with a heavy rock, as the uneven, course edges of the shards cut into my flesh of love, lust and longing and the wounds bleed nothing but faith which I try to keep alive everyday, because I like to believe it's keeping the world together. These are the nights I breathe air into my lungs stronger than I do everyday, trying to exhale the pain in my chest, let it out like a whooshing, whistling wind carrying dead leaves in the autumn. The vibrant red, the soothing yellow, the depressing brown and inspiring orange of the leaves seem to be colors of different aspects of life... aspects that come to life day in and day out.. until they all wither away one day into a dry coarseness, like the dead leaves that crunch under your feet as you take a walk in a park you haven't been to for ages.. the same leaves that rustle in the wind that blows the locks of my hair onto face as I sit here in the balcony trying to feel the life in the air around me...

It's on a night like this that I find in myself, room for new hope, new faith and another side of me.. that too one day will find itself in pieces that I will pick up only to throw away for another to discover as my past, whose remnants I will always fight to kill, to save myself the pain of nostalgia... Like the remnants of a past that I've been trying to kill.. And it's September already...

And Here We Go Again

Just when you think its over, you're back at the beginning... Sigh. Another long walk, with your strength at its weakest and a will that is giving up, something you're forcing to just live another second... half of it even.


The worst part about being me is that you can never admit what you feel easily and when you do, you can't not break down... Yeah dipshit.. I miss you. Fuck you. Hard. Just look back will you?! 


I'm not weak. Never have been. But I want to run away from here. Life's such a bitch right now.. It closed that door a couple of weeks ago. Goodbye United World College of South East Asia, Singapore... I was so close to getting in this year. Had I just thought of running away earlier. I would have been so busy that I wouldn't have had time to think about what I was leaving behind here..


What do you mean by being stuck in time? The fact that everything around you is moving so fast and you're stuck to one moment with something so strong, you can't overcome.. Or.. that time has stopped moving al-together.. To be honest, I can't tell the difference. So its hard to figure out what's happening right now.


People say, "Life's a game... PLAY it!" It takes more than just a little while to get the dice in your hands.


Life's a cheat. It knows what cards you have... It owns the whole deck.


What do I do?

Dear Diary: A Million Thoughts Put into One.

I've always preferred the summer over the winter. The long days in my blankets, loaded with a hundred layers of wool, eating anything and everything I can get my hands on, gets to me after a while. I've always been intolerant to the cold. I've never really enjoyed the feeling of a chilly wind that freezes you to the very depth of your bones.
 
Ironically enough, I'm waiting for the winter this year. I don't know why but when I think of it, I can only think of one reason.

I feel vulnerable to the winter. This whole summer, I've been creating this shield around me and my weaknesses.... So much so, I almost want to feel vulnerable to myself again. I want to feel something get to my depths... Leave me pleasantly SHOCKED at what it can ignite in me. 

It's the season of changed perceptions.. For me that is. I wouldn't want to explain why.
My last winter was special. And come what may, it always will be. Time has flown by since then, at a pace so fast. It's been like this gust of wind that only gave me the gift of a couple of breaths. The season changed and along with that the very essence of the winds that took away with them every emotion I exhaled.... blew them so far away into existence that I can't even think of reaching out for them again.


That season was a tiny but major part of my summer. It was how I got in touch with the void.. the vacuum the winds around me were. It was that vacuum I filled with long conversations with people who thought I mattered.

My summer held the essence of friendship. I can't even explain how, because its just that overwhelming. 
I found love in the winter.. I lost it at the crack of dawn in the summer.

But I want to feel those winter winds again. I want to breathe in that essence. I want there to be another winter like the WINTER OF 2009!

Just One!

Holaaaaaa fellow bloggers! :D

Yes, its another day of the week and I haven't gone to school.. AGAIN! But hey... this time it's for a genuine reason. Trust me! I've been stressed.. Needed to go pamper myself! Now, I am NOT going to debate over why this is a genuine reason. Because so far its the best reason why I've missed school.

Right now, I'm texting a friend who's sitting in a math class in another school! Yes, I miss her! Loads! Bunking classes at school isn't fun anymore.. And plus I've been caught too many times, I've been given shit loads of warnings and threats and my mother has already met my class teacher regarding this. There's no way I'm taking it to the principal. As much as I know that lady, she HATES me. Probably, so much so that she would push me down the school building if she could! :| Yes, my popularity at school has kicked up ten times since my name was announced on the intercom.. for the MILLIONTH time! My sister, also in the same school and totally the opposite of me should be used to this by now. She says she gets a mini heart-attack whenever she hears my name and prays I don't get expelled! LOL!

I'm in one of my totally random moods.. That, you will figure! Did you know there's a song called "Digging in the Nose" ? I swear it exists. Check youtube if you don't believe me! I heard it on VH1 and its hilarious! It goes like.. "Quit digging in the nose.. Quit digging in the nose." LMAO!

Talking about crazy songs.. There's this song on youtube.. Kash Koi mil Jaaye.. By DJ Faddu! And its SICK! Not the good wala sick.. but the disgusting wala sick but it had me rolling on the floor for hours! That one goes like "Kash koi mil jaye vo meri jaan, koi silicon ki dukaan, jiska bhari ho saman...." Roflmao! 

Now, taking the randomness to another level! I'm in the mood to answer questions! Sooooo.. All bloggers who have actually made it to the end of this post, you get to ask me any ONE question!  It could be anything.. Personal too.! Don't worry about me answering it, cuz I will.. Right here on this blog! Now, take it away! :D

The Lull Before the Storm?

Oh Yeah! The four people who mentioned that to me.. well... this is when I get to tell you! You guys were effin' right! No, this has nothing to do with my party (which I'm still worried about :| ) BUT drama has finally made its way into my life! DRAMA, you were BADLY missed.. Thank You! And you will be welcome as long as you don't screw me up too badly! The opposite of what I see coming my way! Well, if that's how I have to handle it, then bring it on sistaaaah! :D

Arrrgh!

*Jams head right into the wall*

CAN SOMEONE JUST KILL ME! :|

Dear Diary: Does She Know?

They say, "Sometimes you don't know what you have till you've seen someone's loss...." How true!

She said, "I've waited. I know I have... But you know what, I'd rather keep waiting. For myself if not for anything else. It may be false hope... But if I've waited so long, I'd like to wait simply because I have so much time at stake already. It may be fruitless... And that feeling isn't pleasant.. But in the end, while I wouldn't be able to live with the fact I gave up, I can still live knowing that I waited... maybe for nothing.... But I can't be sure of that. And that has kept me going."

The tear she held back then, spilled the truth of a heart forcefully caged in hope... Just so she could keep herself together.

A friend had heard every word that I had. Somehow, neither of us had anything to say. Neither of us could tell her to let go and move on, because we didn't have the courage to shatter hope, whose innocence, forced us to believe that maybe sometimes, we should just hold on to the tiny pieces that we can fit together.

But seeing her... the loss of her time.... I like to believe that I have what she doesn't... Almost a decade of time that I won't have regrets for....

But I respect her.. Why? Because... she has the strength to hold on.. while... I would rather just let go.

Time is running by... But Does She Know?

I Could Really Use a Wish RIght Now :)

Look into one of the million eyes of heaven tonight and wish upon a star.

I don't know about you.. But I could really use a wish right now!

Look at the moon, and smile at the woman there and whisper a wish.

I don't know about you, but I could really use a wish right now!

Look at a red mail van and cross your fingers.

I don't know about you, but I could really use a wish right now!

Stand under the bridge with a train passing over and maintain silence till you see a black car.

I don't know about you, but I could really use a wish right now.

Hold your lucky charm and pray. Who knows, you might just be heard!

I don't know about you, but I could really use a wish right now!

" Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky

Are like shooting stars?

I could really use a wish right now,

WIsh right now, Wish right now! " -Airplanes, B.o.B feat. Hayley Williams

From a Friend to Another

This goes out for two people in particular.. One is my best friend. And the other, well, is my best friend's Chuddy Buddy, as she likes to say.

I had written I CONFESS.. for this friend of mine, some time ago. But I don't really think she understood what I was trying to say.

Dear Friend,
It used to be ME and YOU against the world.It used to be long conversations everyday, without caring about whether we had anything important to talk about or not. It used to be more than just "Tell me what's been going on? It's been so long." It used to be more than just the seldom phone conversations just for the heck of it. And as much as I hate to admit it, I'd rather have us not talking at all, than being what we are right now. I'm at the verge of giving up. I'm still trying to hold on though. But incase I can't, just know that I tried harder than you did. Just know, that these are the efforts I will NEVER regret, because friendship is something I can never. And in our case, it was more than that. Funny, how I can't say that it IS more than that now, because to be honest, we both know its not. And this goes out to promises you couldn't keep about still being the same person. Because whether you admit it or not, you're NOT the person I knew like the back of my hand! And you can never have reasons good enough to explain why you changed.

You couldn't perceive my need.. My need for a shoulder to cry on, an ear to whisper my pain into. You overlooked my hand when I had held it up the highest as a call for help. Perhaps you didn't even know it was me. And that's what we are now. And maybe it's all we can be now.. If I'm ever asked why, I can't even look at you for the answers, the reasons, because you never seem to have any.

It's not about where you are, its about who you've become. And well, this might just be it from my side, because I was friends with the person you WERE, not whoever it is that you are now.

Yours
Shivangi and Another Friend (For her Chuddy Buddy! )

An Ultimatum

The Ultimatum of a Standstill is the ONLY of its kind.
Time doesn't stop, but everything else does.
Whatever it is that's left, is the void of nothingness you are drowned in to believe in occurrences that seem like illusions you lose to the simple touch of emotions.

I wonder if it can be the beginning of something too...

Independence Day

And here I am today, alive and well, celebrating my country's 63rd Independence Day. And nothing makes me prouder than the fact that I am Indian.

Happy Independence Day India and fellow Indians. To be honest, this doesn't count for those who keep finding faults in our country and would prefer going abroad because they think life isn't worth it here. Yes, I'm looking at you if you're one of them. One piece of advice, if you don't like it here, GO AWAY. There are millions like me who have a place called HOME here, who have found themselves in this country, who have proudly made being an INDIAN a part of their identity. Yes, there are millions like those and they're ready to kick you out of here if you can't appreciate it.

Yes, we have our imperfections. We are NOT perfect! But really WHAT THE FUCK, NEITHER ARE YOU! If there's nothing you can do to help, I'd rather have you shut up than blabber bloody cynical nonsense. And you know what, for those who can't believe things are going to change, whose hopelessness is anything but an encouragement, don't even have the right to wait and watch when the change comes along. Because its on its way.

There is a cordial warmth in this country. There is an essence of individuality. There is pride in being the most culturally diverse country in the world. There is a history that makes us salute those who have given up their lives for us to simply see a future that they couldn't. And most of all, there is a heritage where every single race, every single tribe, every single Indian can trace their origins to. If that's not something to be proud of, what is?

Happy Independence Day once again! :)

Mellowing Down?

A week before my birthday party (the one I've been planning for AGES now), and I find myself mellowing down. Call it bad timing, but my best friend doesn't really like the idea. She expected more of a hyperactive response when she mentioned, "Shiiiiv, its finally happening!" Yes, I could hear the GRIN in her voice (for obvious reasons) but I was more like, "Ooookaaaayy! So what's up?"

Now, its not like I don't want to party. Because, OFCOURSE I do. My Sweet Sixteen, Unnati's Sexy Seventeen, 25 people, good music, good place (Getting Mannequin as the party venue was NOT easy)and unlimited beer and vodka (though we don't have much of a choice, and I DON'T drink) a chocolate truffle cake (Sigh, chocolate has always been such a weakness. *spaces out* *comes back to earth*), good food, and well Unnati and I have a lot to take care of at the party ( *Virtually looks at Unnati and grins* *Hi5 Anjalee, Puni, Sid and Nil who ALL will definitely make it, HOPEFULLY :S)

Do I need more reasons? Just in case, I have another. My first terms are on the way, and its going to be a while before I'll step out of my house again.. So the party has PERFECT timing. Now, yes, we're hoping it will be a good party. I have my doubts to be honest. I need to get so much off my mind, especially my bad academic performance in Chemistry (:|) that had me crying for hours three days back. And well I need more than just chilli flakes and oregano to spice up my life. And yes, I need more than just chocolate for good dessert after a dramatic main course. *BLAH*

A lot can happen over Maggi! (My special Maggi specifically :P)

To An Eternity That Ends With Us

A promise she had once made,
Time had stopped then,
In awe of her determination,
In fear of her power,
In respect of her dignity,
As every word inscribed itself in stone.

A promise she had once made,
To stay by my side.
And for an eternity that ends with us today,
I see her hand in mine.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

This is what I wrote for Nilanjana, who probably makes my day every time she talks about Neil and herself. I've never been too good with poetry but Nil, I really hope you liked it! :) I Love You! :)

Superstitiously Magical

I could hear her squeal with joy at the mention of her childhood sweetheart, see her jump in her happiness as she gripped both hands of her best friend, who shared a feeling of awe with her.

" My left eye just started behaving funny again. Its fluttering like a butterfly's wings. Oh goodness, I tell you, its meant to be. " The gush of breath that the girls let out then spelt excitement and anticipation. Well, her left eye had fluttered. She would be married to him wouldn't she? Or so everyone liked to believe. Especially her.

I smiled despite how silly I thought it was. The innocence of her wish, her desire to be with the one she's always loved touched me.

"He's coming day after tomorrow!!!" My Aunt exclaimed. "I just knew it. Crows seem to be making a nest in the balcony now-a-days. It's about time too. He's been away for a year and a half now." The news of my Uncle's arrival had been delivered by a crow. And so had mine. Atleast that's what I was given to understand. "Every morning a crow would look at me and start cawing." My mother had said. I had simply rolled my eyes and hugged her.

"My left hand seems to be too itchy. Where am I going to lose money?" My grumpy grandfather croaked irritably. "You woman keep a watch on your shopping escapades, I'm warning you. Money doesn't grow on a tree."

"Doesn't count for me, though. Ajay's business has been doing well these days. See, I can't seem to stop scratching my left hand. Ah! Women can be such good luck charms." My mother retorted.

I laughed silently at the senselessness of everything around me. I had never been a believer of God's signs in the form of dreams and animals at our doorstep. I had never believed in not saying particular things when we stepped out of the house for an important task. I didn't believe in not going to a temple on days we women were considered unclean, or stepping inside the kitchen without taking a shower. I didn't believe in any of it at all. Ironically, everybody else around me did. Good luck charms, protections against the evil eye, a ring for a good career and lots of money, I had none of it. Nor did I have the family jewel fitted in a pendant for success.

I sat down with my cup of milk and enjoyed the scene of a day in the life of a HUGE joint family that couldn't seem to stop trying to please the Almighty with prayers, or go to pandits for remedies to save the family business, or gurus who could teach their kids a spell to keep them away from distraction.

"You're up! Good! All washed up I believe." My grandmother sat down next to me eyeing the cup of warm milk in my hand.

"No, not really." I said casually.

The disgust on her face made me uncomfortable.

"You know the rules of the family, don't you? Or have you forgotten those too along with manners at how you're supposed to dress." I looked down at my pajama shorts. "Nevermind now. I won't tell anyone. Its only you're first day here after months. Go get washed up NOW and dress decently. The elders have been up for long now."

"But these shorts reach my knees." I said, exasperated at the thought of wearing jeans in the heat.

"What about the rest of your legs?"

I snorted and headed for my room upstairs. On the way, I decided on saying a quick hello to my cousin brother. Under the impression he was studying I was quiet as I closed the door of his room behind me. He was listening to something on the computer with his headphones on. I crept behind him wanting to surprise him. It was something I always did. He was 12 years younger to me and was like a baby brother.

"Booo" I laughed as he jumped and he looked at me with eyes wide open, trying to block the screen of the computer. "What are you hiding?"

"NOTHING. How.. How are you?" He was a nervous wreck I could tell.

"Oh whatever" I pushed him to one side and glanced at the screen for less than a second before bursting into fits of laughter. "Porn. Seriously. You haven't been saying Guruji's mantra everyday now, have you?"

You should have seen the guilt on his face! :P xD

Dear Diary

I'm so afraid of losing out on what I have that I can hardly let go. The problem is I keep too many things too close to my heart. Probably because I appreciate it too much or maybe because I've recognized the universal fact of individuality that I am what I am because of the people and things around me.

Its so hard to let go off myself, to loosen that suffocatingly tight grip I have on myself, so much so that the painful relief just brings along a sense of insecurity. Guess its time to give myself a chance again.

Because..

Because my best can never be good enough.
Because there'll always be someone who surpasses me.
Because my efforts can never be appreciated, maybe they don't count at all.
Because I can neither be what others have thought of me, nor what I think I can be.
Because I am a disappointment to myself.
Because I am a disappointment to those who believe in me.

14 likes on this facebook status! xD

Me: Ding Dong Bell, Pussy's in the Well. *Boys around me jump into the well* Me : *shouts into the well* Haven't you heard that nursery rhyme before, dumbfucks?!

Weird Dreams

I had a dream last night. I was driving in the rain with my friends and the car broke down. All my friends had to get off and push the car. As they were pushing, the car started and I accidently pressed the accelerator too much and went off with them running behind it! LMAO!

The Dark

The Dark can be BEAUTIFUL. I've lived pleasant memories in it. Its the unseen face of secrecy, its the rustle of whispers barely heard, its the touch of someone else's emotion, its home to the friend you have in you. I look up to see this beauty crash with its beastly side. I can hear the black hole of the other side trying to suck in all the pleasantness. I am too repelled to be drawn into the mouth of hell and so I walk towards the light. Knowing where to find it again, knowing the treasures it holds, knowing that it will always be, I walk back into the beauty of the dark when I've had a little too much of the light.