A toast to new beginnings

Its been a while since I've been thinking and you know what, some things just have to end, whether you want them to or not. So this a toast to new beginnings. I know its the middle of the year and maybe too soon, but who cares?! A beginning is a beginning! Especially when everything around me is at its best. So with a bottle of mountain dew and two good friends, and with the thought of good times that I'll make sure will come my way, along with lots of eye candy, here's to a new beginning. Goodbye my sucky old past 6 months. I won't be missing you. :)

First Class Honors from The University of Life

It was a weekly routine for the Thursday Club- a cosy, simple, dinner, full of quiet conversations, for two men-the only members-one about ten years older than the other. I must repeat- Full of quiet conversations. And good ones at that. I will admit its not a club of the young. But there's no reason it shouldn't be. For men, not my age, they don't impose the orthodox beliefs of men of their times. Its funny how they're not old, ranting men, who try and share the gray of their hair, and the wrinkles of their skin, with blood, so young and reviving. I would say, they're the youth of yesterday, their thoughts staying forever young, changing with generations, always keeping a special interest in what the present is all about.

The Thursday Club- Its not about yesterday, its about today. Its not about religion, its about liberation. Its not about losing out on life as it used to be, its about what you still carry after its long gone. Its not just about learning life's greatest lessons, its about embibing them. Its about the latest movies, its about the best books. Its about the jewels of time that will never lose their shine.

Its a pleasure to listen to him, as he narrates stories that leave an impression of sorts. The stories have an ambiguity of exaggeration, the beauty of the wines and roses that still hold the same essence, the tales of love and devotion, as far as they can get. They touch you somewhere.

The other, much younger, respects, teases and simply makes up for the momentary grief in the joyful flashbacks, that still bring a tear, so satisfied at the thought of still being able to remember, to the eyes of not only the listener, but the narrator too. "After all he has First Class Honors from The University of Life." The sound of hushed chuckles fills the silence as dinner finally ends with simple dessert.

Its hard to not wonder what life has been for them. Wisdom flows as eloquently as their words, rarely unheard even by the ears and minds of moronic beings lost in time long withered and old, or time too disrespected for lack of values and meaning.


Goodnight The Thursday Club. Until we meet again.
I'm glad to be a Country member. :)

A reason to be happy..

To be happy, you don't have to have the biggest reasons. You need to make the smallest things a part of your life and appreciate everything you have at hand, even if its close to nothing.

Once you appreciate what you have, you fear losing them. That's when it kicks in, that being happy doesn't only mean appreciation, but also realizing that what can come, can go. So enjoy it till it lasts. :)

Time to let go...

Sometimes, its just easier to say it was your fault and forgive yourself for the mistakes you never made.

I can't blame someone who will never be truly sorry. I can't blame you.

You were my mistake and I think I'm ready to forgive myself for that fault of mine. Its time to let go.

Goodbye :)

Its barbeque time :D

Right now, I'm sitting outside with Dad and Shreeya and getting ready to barbeque some chicken, marinated with dad's favorite ingredients. Its cold outside. But the heat of the charcoal and the smell of the spices is enough to keep my mouth watering. Tonight's going to be a good night. :)

A stranger becomes a friend.. :)

Sometimes its not that lover who truly loved you from the depths of his heart or the best friend who's been with you through the worst and the best of times who can make you feel like one beautiful person. Its that apparent stranger, who after one conversation feels like someone you've known for years. Today, I met Debra after a very, very long 3 years. She has changed. It was hard to recognize her. Everything from her hair, to the way she dresses and wears her make up has changed. Despite how much she has changed physically, there are some evergreen things about her. Like the way one feels around her, her pleasant and calming aura, and that smile which has the knowledge of decades behind it. I respect her for the strong woman that she is. Despite what she has been through her entire life, she is a woman who people look up to. Today, she talked to me. It was an unexpected conversation but nevertheless a much needed one.



"If you want to earn respect, you need to know how to earn it the right way. It comes with things you've done in the past and the things you're doing right now. I've seen so many young girls make these mistakes. I fortunately learned from their mistakes but at the same time did make a few mistakes I will regret my entire life. Men, baby, they come and they go. You should know one thing. A woman has the power to make men lick her feet if she uses her strengths in the right way, otherwise you end up licking their asses. That sudden silence and the way you just looked down tells me something. I don't know if you want to talk about it but if something has happened, I'm sure its not something that we can't fix. Is there someone? Was there someone? Because honey, you're too young. Men are going to flock you. And there is only one reason. You're a beautiful girl. You have everything. A pretty face, a good body, and most importantly brains. There is no reason why men won't fall for you. All you have to learn is how to keep them there- at your feet. You're young. Just enjoy your youth the right way. Believe me when I say you're a rare, beautiful girl. The guy who finally gets to make you his will be the most proud man in this world."

I don't know if I need to talk to anyone right now. She said so much more that made me feel like I deserve so much better, so much more. I don't remember where I read this, but it was a long time ago- IF YOU HAVE BEAUTY, BRAINS AND A VAGINA, THE WORLD IS AT YOUR FEET. HOW YOU MAKE YOUR PRESENCE FELT AND A GREAT PERSONALITY KEEPS THE WORLD WHERE IT FELL IN THE FIRST PLACE. How true! :)

And to my only question, "Sometimes I wonder why?"
She said, " Because you're beautiful."

I'm here...

Finally after what seems like ages I'm here in Kitwe, a tiny, tiny town a few hundred kilometers away from the capital city of Zambia, Lusaka. There isn't much one can do here. Like I said, its a tiny town. Apart from a few old bars, full with locals who share a drink after a long, hard day at factories and mines, some really bad hotels and casinos where all one can do is waste their money, and a run down squash court there isn't anything similar to what you would find in a city like Delhi. So that means no cool malls. But there's something about this place. The greenery around you, the pleasant weather in June, the long, wide roads bordered by stretches of long,dry grass and tall green trees at the same time, the fresh air, not polluted one bit, considering there are hardly any people or cars here, the few people who live here, who may not know you, but treat you with the warmth of a friend... Yes, this is exactly what I need.

This year keeps getting worse. What started off with a bang and lots of joy seems to have dwindled into the complete opposite right now. Nothing I thought would happen is happening. My ex-boyfriend turned out to be nothing I had expected him to be. Now, I wonder why I wasted time on a relationship in the first place. It hurt initially. A lot at that. And messed me up because I felt like my self-respect had been walked over. Sometimes, I wonder why and things went wrong. I wonder what went wrong and to be honest, I still have no idea. But in the end, I got the worst end of the stick. Lets just leave it at that. I now realize, no matter how many whole hearted efforts you make, they aren't always appreciated. Why? I don't know. I wanted to change my school. Leave my shit-ass convent school and go somewhere I would like being. Even after a CGPA of 9.8 I'm still in carmel and stuck there for the next two years. My friends are leaving school. I don't know how things will work out. If things go the way they're going now, I might just lose them. Maybe they'll find other people more like them and forget me. It won't be their fault. Life will change for them. They're going to be so busy that they won't have time for people of the past... for me. I don't feel like myself. I don't feel like I've done enough to make my place. I feel like a talentless piece of shit who people look down at. The excitement and joy of a good result mellowed down not more than two days after I got it. I see so many people around me, all destined to be the best at what they want to do. I don't know if I can say the same for myself. My dreams seem to be the only blissful place. I want to sleep so I can find a sense of satisfaction in a parallel world of my sub-conscious mind, where everything is what I want it to be. I'm trying everything I can. I want to try harder. I don't want to regret anything I do. I want the old me back. I want to feel weightless. For the past 2 months, there's been this weight inside my chest. I can't seem to push it out, and no matter how much I try, it seems to come back, heavier every time. For all the times I've lied to everyone about my swollen, red eyes, I want to find reasons not to cry. Why did things have to change? Why did things have to change me? Why did people have to change?

This is why I need to be here. The emptiness seems to have the capacity to fill itself with the crammed pandemonium in my head. The natural beauty around me, helps me believe that no matter how bad things are, there is always one place in this world where you can find yourself and fight back with a newfound strength. I'm waiting to find my new strengths. And I know this is where I'll find it.

I'm here. :)

running away

Tonight, I'll be running away to a better place, away from all these meaningless somethings that haven't been able to leave my mind for so long. I want to take time off and think. Think about Me and only me. For so long now, I have been trying to avoid my emotions, trying not to feel what I thought I should or should not. But not anymore. I need to find myself again. Discover hidden strengths and weaknesses and just simply feel like myself again. There's so much I don't know. There's so much that I need to. But there's no room in my head for anything or anyone, NOT EVEN MYSELF. I'm running away to a better place. :)

Some things are just never meant to be.

I watched her as the golden light streamed through the only window in her small room through the space between her old, cream colored curtains. The peace on her face as she slept, after the long tiring nights that she spent working, trying to earn a living for herself, was almost touching. Her face was becoming pale (she generally forgot to eat) and the dark circles around her eyes were becoming more prominent with every passing day. She had always been such a delicate darling, given everything that she wanted without even having to ask for it. Yet, she chose to earn the life she wanted and not ask for it. I knew it was hell for her. The short hours of sleep, the small room without an air-conditioner to beat the summer heat, with the tiny fridge beside the bed that had room only for a couple of water bottles, was not something she was used to. But she never complained. To be honest, she never really talked about having to work and study at the same time. Yes, Devika was a college student, majoring in 3 languages-Spanish, Arabic and French. I figured she was learning chinese too, seeing the cover of the open book that was kept against her chest. I bent down to kiss her cheek, took the book, closed it and kept it on her study table.

My best friend, her room-mate, sighed at me. I looked at her, saw her shaking her head, as if trying not to say something that she told me every single day.

"You still love her don't you? " Rhea asked in a low matter-of-factly manner.

I opened my mouth to say something, my always 'full of thought' mind not telling me what I should.

"It was rhetorical. You don't really have to answer."

Rhea knew. And there was no point in trying to deny it. She was one of the few people who knew me better than I knew myself.

"How does it even matter now. She... isn't mine anymore." There was a hint of nostalgic regret in my voice.

"Can you blame her?" It was the first time in the past year that Rhea looked at me with a disappointed, frustrated expression.

"Was that rhetorical too?"

She didn't answer. She grabbed her book bag and we walked to the canteen, right in the centre of the huge college campus.

"There's nothing I can do about it now. She deserves a lot more, a lot better, someone who appreciates her more than I ever did."

"Right. She deserves someone who doesn't believe in letting go off her like that, someone who is not as oblivious. You're stupid to not have seen it before. Everyone could. She... LOVED you. "

"Its funny how you have to use the past tense for that word now."

"Yeah especially because its her last month in college."

"What do you mean?"

"Didn't you know? After the college exams next month she's going to Turkey to work for some company as a translator. The pay isn't bad. Plus, the only thing she's looking for right now is the work experience."

That was the end of our discussion. From my side atleast.

***************

Everything after that day had been a blur. I don't know why but I went to see Rhea earlier every morning, just to be able too see Devika sleeping. Everyday that I did, I could feel dread making its way through my heart and mind, as I tried to prevent the hatred I felt towards myself, from turning into rage so emotionally conquering that I would have to punch a wall more than once till my knuckles hurt to calm down again. The only thing that ever stopped me was the tranquility on her face and the love that I still felt for her, probably stronger than I had felt when she was actually with me. Its funny how I felt closer, more attached to her now, how much more of a difference she made. I wanted her to be able to read my mind and hear the things that it was screaming out to me. Was it too late? I would never know. I would never try to find out. And for once I knew something for sure.

Devika's last day in college wasn't a quiet event. The social person that she was, she had many friends who all made promises to keep in touch with her. She took a few very close friends out for dinner, including Rhea. While all our common friends were out celebrating the start of a new journey for her, I was sitting in my room with a bottle of vodka and a packet of cigarettes, celebrating the end of a journey I wouldn't have wanted to end in the first place,trying to kill the memories that once made me smile. My mind- heavy with the weight of a million thoughts that I wish I could burn, for I always knew that it was because of these thoughts, crammed into my head, that I was usually oblivious to my own emotions, let alone others- searched for reasons and answers to questions I myself was unaware of. No matter how hard I tried I could never figure out things for myself too soon. I could find solutions but I never knew the problems. These were some of Devika's last words to me. We had never exchanged as much as a "hello" after that.

The next morning, while I watched Devika sleeping, I could feel a sense of loss seeping in. I could tell that this was the last time I would be seeing her for a very long time if not forever. I made a silent promise to myself to see her, make a genuine effort to find her wherever she would be when I decided to see her again. It wouldn't be for a very long time but that day would definitely come. I was sure. Devika stirred in her sleep as her alarm clock went off. She opened her eyes, shocked to see me standing right beside her bed. She got up in a hurry and leaned against the back of her bed.

"Rhea, must be taking a bath." Her voice was uneven.

"I know." I was probably making her uneasy with the way I was looking at her. "I wasn't here to see her anyway. Not today atleast."

She looked at me, blankly.

" I just wanted to say good-bye... and wish you all the very best. I really do hope you get what you set out to achieve. That makes atleast one of us who's worthy of what they've asked for.. or in your case, worked for."

"Thank You." She took a couple of seconds to smile, but she did.

"Well, I'll be going then. Tell Rhea that I'm taking the day off. I'll see her in the evening." I looked at her, hoping she would have something to say. She just nodded.

I knew it was my fault. Day in and day out, I hoped that one day she would forgive me, just like I'd asked her too. Was it fair on my part to even ask for forgiveness.. for that matter expect it too? I don't know. But was I forgiven? No.

*****************

I spent the day all alone in my room. AGAIN. It was that one place I spent most of bad days. Or the worst of the lot, I would say. I didn't know what it was, but I could never be truly happy for too long. Some kind of negativity always lurked in the corners of my mind. Why could I see black in the deep blue of the sky? Why could I see a storm on a quiet, pleasant day? Why could I sense selfish reasons in selfless actions? Why did I doubt emotions? Why didn't I believe in letting anyone in, letting anyone know the depths of the person I didn't know I was? I was beginning to hate my mind more every single day, to the limits I didn't think were possible. Sometimes I wished I could drill a hole into it, drain my mind of its thoughts and feel the ecstasy of a normal mind that could emote what it felt, what it thought, what it was afraid of thinking about.

But there was something even this invisible, heavy weight of brimming thoughts of meaningfully meaningless things knew in its obliviousness. Devika had loved me. She, out of everyone that I had kept on the other side of the wall I had unintentionally built around myself, made her way through it. She could see me and I felt it every time she looked at me. I didn't think I would ever forget her. I didn't want to.

*****************

(Seven Years Later)

"Amishka and Aakash, you guys are going to cover Turkey this month. Beautiful place, beautiful people. Tickets are for the 11th. See me in my cabin in 10." My boss' deep, chirpy voice boomed from the phone's speaker, and before either of us responded Chetan cut the line.

"That was quick." Amishka giggled. "How can anyone call my job 'work' ? Traveling, seeing new places every month and writing about the food, the history, architecture, the best hotels.. nada nada nada. This is the LIFE."

I had to agree. Travel journalism was probably one of the best things that had happened to me. It was completely my thing. Seeing new places and writing about what I saw in them. Of course I had to keep some of my opinions to myself. People weren't really interested in knowing how the silence in the thick grasslands of Mfuwe, getting in touch with forces of nature and its beauty helped me find a better person within me, or how getting away from life in the city helped me throw open the doors of my mind. Understanding and respecting someone's history, their culture and beliefs was an important part of my job and it was what I loved about it the most and hence I stuck to that when I wrote about my experiences. And not to mention, we had out own popular TV show and the pay package was great. All in all, I had the perfect job.

"I hate to burst your bubble but thats not what you say when you have to give in the article. You're such an annoying pussy when you start complaining about "work", as you put it. " I laughed remembering her frowns and scrunched face when she would have to work late, imitating them as she looked at me with an expression that threatened me to shut up. "Uhh.. Boss' cabin. See you in 5." Something told me dinner was on me tonight.

I had been working with discovery for over two years now and it was back then, that I had met Amishka. Her stunning beauty was inviting- The perfectly sized curves of her body, that complimented her long legs with muscular calfs that she carried on high heeled shoes, that weren't really necessary considering how all eyes followed her as she towered over the many handsome men she had to look down to talk to. There was a sex appeal about her that didn't go unnoticed. Her long hair, curled their way down to her waist and she usually kept them open, and they bounced with the slightest movement of her head. Her sharp features never failed to notice the smallest of things. Her voice depicted intellect. It usually intimidated many as she was a woman of her OWN point of view, which was difficult to change. She was self aware, maybe arrogant of her beauty, that she knew was the centre of attention wherever she went. I could see it in the confidence of her stance and her walk. Whatever it was, she was definitely one the most attractive women I had ever come across and I was one lucky dog to have been able to experience the sensuality of her beauty with brains. We planned on moving in together, but neither of us seemed really excited about it.

I pushed open the door to my boss' cabin.

"Great. You're here. Where's Amishka? Never mind actually. The tickets. The itinerary. You're stay is for 5 days exactly. You're at the Radisson Blu Bosphorus. Don't forget you have to give the hotel atleast a fifteen minute cover on the show. You know what to do."

"No worries, Mr. Chetan." I backed out of the door, my eyes studying the tickets.

It was then that it hit me- The sudden wave of a familiar past, that for a minute washed my mind off the present. I didn't know whether SHE was still there-probably not- but I was nervously excited. It had been years. I remembered the last time I saw her like it were yesterday. For some reason, it felt like it was destiny's silent promise to mine, that she was there to help me find my past in the future. I felt guilty about wanting to see Devika again. I didn't know why. But I just did. I just wanted to share one drink with her and just know that she was where she had always wanted to be. She was probably much ahead of that. But I needed to know anyway.

"You know, you can imitate me well." Amishka laughed. "I hate to admit it, but as soon as you left, I went hysterical laughing."

"Since when do you have a good sense of humor?" I teased.

"Oh please! You reckon, you need to come up with better jokes?" She teased back, imitating a kenyan accent.

I chuckled. "Well, looks like you're used to my bad ones anyway."

"Yeah, I guess you could say that. Anyway I have to run. I'll see tomorrow. I have to meet up with the girls today." She pecked me on my lips and walked out of the cabin.

I sat at my desk. For a while all I thought about was Devika's last day in college, how she had changed my life and why I had never let her know how grateful I was for that. Today, if I were in a good relationship with a girl who knew how much she mattered to me, was because Devika had made me realize how wrong and oblivious I was to emotions and gestures that mattered so much, but the same ones I failed to appreciate.

I couldn't think of any way to contact her. No numbers, no addresses.. NOTHING. The only person I knew who could possibly be in touch with her was Rhea. But I hadn't talked to her in months, probably more than a year. It was a long time ago that something went wrong and Rhea and I drifted apart. It wasn't one thing. I couldn't even remember to be honest. But I picked up my phone. I debated over meeting up with her first and then asking about Devika, or just asking her about it on the phone.

*to be continued...