Just when you think its over, you're back at the beginning... Sigh. Another long walk, with your strength at its weakest and a will that is giving up, something you're forcing to just live another second... half of it even.
The worst part about being me is that you can never admit what you feel easily and when you do, you can't not break down... Yeah dipshit.. I miss you. Fuck you. Hard. Just look back will you?!
I'm not weak. Never have been. But I want to run away from here. Life's such a bitch right now.. It closed that door a couple of weeks ago. Goodbye United World College of South East Asia, Singapore... I was so close to getting in this year. Had I just thought of running away earlier. I would have been so busy that I wouldn't have had time to think about what I was leaving behind here..
What do you mean by being stuck in time? The fact that everything around you is moving so fast and you're stuck to one moment with something so strong, you can't overcome.. Or.. that time has stopped moving al-together.. To be honest, I can't tell the difference. So its hard to figure out what's happening right now.
People say, "Life's a game... PLAY it!" It takes more than just a little while to get the dice in your hands.
Life's a cheat. It knows what cards you have... It owns the whole deck.
What do I do?
Friday, August 20, 2010
Dear Diary: A Million Thoughts Put into One.
I've always preferred the summer over the winter. The long days in my blankets, loaded with a hundred layers of wool, eating anything and everything I can get my hands on, gets to me after a while. I've always been intolerant to the cold. I've never really enjoyed the feeling of a chilly wind that freezes you to the very depth of your bones.
Ironically enough, I'm waiting for the winter this year. I don't know why but when I think of it, I can only think of one reason.
I feel vulnerable to the winter. This whole summer, I've been creating this shield around me and my weaknesses.... So much so, I almost want to feel vulnerable to myself again. I want to feel something get to my depths... Leave me pleasantly SHOCKED at what it can ignite in me.
It's the season of changed perceptions.. For me that is. I wouldn't want to explain why.
My last winter was special. And come what may, it always will be. Time has flown by since then, at a pace so fast. It's been like this gust of wind that only gave me the gift of a couple of breaths. The season changed and along with that the very essence of the winds that took away with them every emotion I exhaled.... blew them so far away into existence that I can't even think of reaching out for them again.
That season was a tiny but major part of my summer. It was how I got in touch with the void.. the vacuum the winds around me were. It was that vacuum I filled with long conversations with people who thought I mattered.
My summer held the essence of friendship. I can't even explain how, because its just that overwhelming.
I found love in the winter.. I lost it at the crack of dawn in the summer.
But I want to feel those winter winds again. I want to breathe in that essence. I want there to be another winter like the WINTER OF 2009!
Ironically enough, I'm waiting for the winter this year. I don't know why but when I think of it, I can only think of one reason.
I feel vulnerable to the winter. This whole summer, I've been creating this shield around me and my weaknesses.... So much so, I almost want to feel vulnerable to myself again. I want to feel something get to my depths... Leave me pleasantly SHOCKED at what it can ignite in me.
It's the season of changed perceptions.. For me that is. I wouldn't want to explain why.
My last winter was special. And come what may, it always will be. Time has flown by since then, at a pace so fast. It's been like this gust of wind that only gave me the gift of a couple of breaths. The season changed and along with that the very essence of the winds that took away with them every emotion I exhaled.... blew them so far away into existence that I can't even think of reaching out for them again.
That season was a tiny but major part of my summer. It was how I got in touch with the void.. the vacuum the winds around me were. It was that vacuum I filled with long conversations with people who thought I mattered.
My summer held the essence of friendship. I can't even explain how, because its just that overwhelming.
I found love in the winter.. I lost it at the crack of dawn in the summer.
But I want to feel those winter winds again. I want to breathe in that essence. I want there to be another winter like the WINTER OF 2009!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Just One!
Holaaaaaa fellow bloggers! :D
Yes, its another day of the week and I haven't gone to school.. AGAIN! But hey... this time it's for a genuine reason. Trust me! I've been stressed.. Needed to go pamper myself! Now, I am NOT going to debate over why this is a genuine reason. Because so far its the best reason why I've missed school.
Right now, I'm texting a friend who's sitting in a math class in another school! Yes, I miss her! Loads! Bunking classes at school isn't fun anymore.. And plus I've been caught too many times, I've been given shit loads of warnings and threats and my mother has already met my class teacher regarding this. There's no way I'm taking it to the principal. As much as I know that lady, she HATES me. Probably, so much so that she would push me down the school building if she could! :| Yes, my popularity at school has kicked up ten times since my name was announced on the intercom.. for the MILLIONTH time! My sister, also in the same school and totally the opposite of me should be used to this by now. She says she gets a mini heart-attack whenever she hears my name and prays I don't get expelled! LOL!
I'm in one of my totally random moods.. That, you will figure! Did you know there's a song called "Digging in the Nose" ? I swear it exists. Check youtube if you don't believe me! I heard it on VH1 and its hilarious! It goes like.. "Quit digging in the nose.. Quit digging in the nose." LMAO!
Talking about crazy songs.. There's this song on youtube.. Kash Koi mil Jaaye.. By DJ Faddu! And its SICK! Not the good wala sick.. but the disgusting wala sick but it had me rolling on the floor for hours! That one goes like "Kash koi mil jaye vo meri jaan, koi silicon ki dukaan, jiska bhari ho saman...." Roflmao!
Now, taking the randomness to another level! I'm in the mood to answer questions! Sooooo.. All bloggers who have actually made it to the end of this post, you get to ask me any ONE question! It could be anything.. Personal too.! Don't worry about me answering it, cuz I will.. Right here on this blog! Now, take it away! :D
The Lull Before the Storm?
Oh Yeah! The four people who mentioned that to me.. well... this is when I get to tell you! You guys were effin' right! No, this has nothing to do with my party (which I'm still worried about :| ) BUT drama has finally made its way into my life! DRAMA, you were BADLY missed.. Thank You! And you will be welcome as long as you don't screw me up too badly! The opposite of what I see coming my way! Well, if that's how I have to handle it, then bring it on sistaaaah! :D
Dear Diary: Does She Know?
They say, "Sometimes you don't know what you have till you've seen someone's loss...." How true!
She said, "I've waited. I know I have... But you know what, I'd rather keep waiting. For myself if not for anything else. It may be false hope... But if I've waited so long, I'd like to wait simply because I have so much time at stake already. It may be fruitless... And that feeling isn't pleasant.. But in the end, while I wouldn't be able to live with the fact I gave up, I can still live knowing that I waited... maybe for nothing.... But I can't be sure of that. And that has kept me going."
The tear she held back then, spilled the truth of a heart forcefully caged in hope... Just so she could keep herself together.
A friend had heard every word that I had. Somehow, neither of us had anything to say. Neither of us could tell her to let go and move on, because we didn't have the courage to shatter hope, whose innocence, forced us to believe that maybe sometimes, we should just hold on to the tiny pieces that we can fit together.
But seeing her... the loss of her time.... I like to believe that I have what she doesn't... Almost a decade of time that I won't have regrets for....
But I respect her.. Why? Because... she has the strength to hold on.. while... I would rather just let go.
Time is running by... But Does She Know?
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
I Could Really Use a Wish RIght Now :)
Look into one of the million eyes of heaven tonight and wish upon a star.
I don't know about you.. But I could really use a wish right now!
Look at the moon, and smile at the woman there and whisper a wish.
I don't know about you, but I could really use a wish right now!
Look at a red mail van and cross your fingers.
I don't know about you, but I could really use a wish right now!
Stand under the bridge with a train passing over and maintain silence till you see a black car.
I don't know about you, but I could really use a wish right now.
Hold your lucky charm and pray. Who knows, you might just be heard!
I don't know about you, but I could really use a wish right now!
" Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky
Are like shooting stars?
I could really use a wish right now,
WIsh right now, Wish right now! " -Airplanes, B.o.B feat. Hayley Williams
Sunday, August 15, 2010
From a Friend to Another
This goes out for two people in particular.. One is my best friend. And the other, well, is my best friend's Chuddy Buddy, as she likes to say.
I had written I CONFESS.. for this friend of mine, some time ago. But I don't really think she understood what I was trying to say.
Dear Friend,
It used to be ME and YOU against the world.It used to be long conversations everyday, without caring about whether we had anything important to talk about or not. It used to be more than just "Tell me what's been going on? It's been so long." It used to be more than just the seldom phone conversations just for the heck of it. And as much as I hate to admit it, I'd rather have us not talking at all, than being what we are right now. I'm at the verge of giving up. I'm still trying to hold on though. But incase I can't, just know that I tried harder than you did. Just know, that these are the efforts I will NEVER regret, because friendship is something I can never. And in our case, it was more than that. Funny, how I can't say that it IS more than that now, because to be honest, we both know its not. And this goes out to promises you couldn't keep about still being the same person. Because whether you admit it or not, you're NOT the person I knew like the back of my hand! And you can never have reasons good enough to explain why you changed.
You couldn't perceive my need.. My need for a shoulder to cry on, an ear to whisper my pain into. You overlooked my hand when I had held it up the highest as a call for help. Perhaps you didn't even know it was me. And that's what we are now. And maybe it's all we can be now.. If I'm ever asked why, I can't even look at you for the answers, the reasons, because you never seem to have any.
It's not about where you are, its about who you've become. And well, this might just be it from my side, because I was friends with the person you WERE, not whoever it is that you are now.
Yours
Shivangi and Another Friend (For her Chuddy Buddy! )
I had written I CONFESS.. for this friend of mine, some time ago. But I don't really think she understood what I was trying to say.
Dear Friend,
It used to be ME and YOU against the world.It used to be long conversations everyday, without caring about whether we had anything important to talk about or not. It used to be more than just "Tell me what's been going on? It's been so long." It used to be more than just the seldom phone conversations just for the heck of it. And as much as I hate to admit it, I'd rather have us not talking at all, than being what we are right now. I'm at the verge of giving up. I'm still trying to hold on though. But incase I can't, just know that I tried harder than you did. Just know, that these are the efforts I will NEVER regret, because friendship is something I can never. And in our case, it was more than that. Funny, how I can't say that it IS more than that now, because to be honest, we both know its not. And this goes out to promises you couldn't keep about still being the same person. Because whether you admit it or not, you're NOT the person I knew like the back of my hand! And you can never have reasons good enough to explain why you changed.
You couldn't perceive my need.. My need for a shoulder to cry on, an ear to whisper my pain into. You overlooked my hand when I had held it up the highest as a call for help. Perhaps you didn't even know it was me. And that's what we are now. And maybe it's all we can be now.. If I'm ever asked why, I can't even look at you for the answers, the reasons, because you never seem to have any.
It's not about where you are, its about who you've become. And well, this might just be it from my side, because I was friends with the person you WERE, not whoever it is that you are now.
Yours
Shivangi and Another Friend (For her Chuddy Buddy! )
An Ultimatum
The Ultimatum of a Standstill is the ONLY of its kind.
Time doesn't stop, but everything else does.
Whatever it is that's left, is the void of nothingness you are drowned in to believe in occurrences that seem like illusions you lose to the simple touch of emotions.
I wonder if it can be the beginning of something too...
Time doesn't stop, but everything else does.
Whatever it is that's left, is the void of nothingness you are drowned in to believe in occurrences that seem like illusions you lose to the simple touch of emotions.
I wonder if it can be the beginning of something too...
Independence Day
And here I am today, alive and well, celebrating my country's 63rd Independence Day. And nothing makes me prouder than the fact that I am Indian.
Happy Independence Day India and fellow Indians. To be honest, this doesn't count for those who keep finding faults in our country and would prefer going abroad because they think life isn't worth it here. Yes, I'm looking at you if you're one of them. One piece of advice, if you don't like it here, GO AWAY. There are millions like me who have a place called HOME here, who have found themselves in this country, who have proudly made being an INDIAN a part of their identity. Yes, there are millions like those and they're ready to kick you out of here if you can't appreciate it.
Yes, we have our imperfections. We are NOT perfect! But really WHAT THE FUCK, NEITHER ARE YOU! If there's nothing you can do to help, I'd rather have you shut up than blabber bloody cynical nonsense. And you know what, for those who can't believe things are going to change, whose hopelessness is anything but an encouragement, don't even have the right to wait and watch when the change comes along. Because its on its way.
There is a cordial warmth in this country. There is an essence of individuality. There is pride in being the most culturally diverse country in the world. There is a history that makes us salute those who have given up their lives for us to simply see a future that they couldn't. And most of all, there is a heritage where every single race, every single tribe, every single Indian can trace their origins to. If that's not something to be proud of, what is?
Happy Independence Day once again! :)
Happy Independence Day India and fellow Indians. To be honest, this doesn't count for those who keep finding faults in our country and would prefer going abroad because they think life isn't worth it here. Yes, I'm looking at you if you're one of them. One piece of advice, if you don't like it here, GO AWAY. There are millions like me who have a place called HOME here, who have found themselves in this country, who have proudly made being an INDIAN a part of their identity. Yes, there are millions like those and they're ready to kick you out of here if you can't appreciate it.
Yes, we have our imperfections. We are NOT perfect! But really WHAT THE FUCK, NEITHER ARE YOU! If there's nothing you can do to help, I'd rather have you shut up than blabber bloody cynical nonsense. And you know what, for those who can't believe things are going to change, whose hopelessness is anything but an encouragement, don't even have the right to wait and watch when the change comes along. Because its on its way.
There is a cordial warmth in this country. There is an essence of individuality. There is pride in being the most culturally diverse country in the world. There is a history that makes us salute those who have given up their lives for us to simply see a future that they couldn't. And most of all, there is a heritage where every single race, every single tribe, every single Indian can trace their origins to. If that's not something to be proud of, what is?
Happy Independence Day once again! :)
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Mellowing Down?
A week before my birthday party (the one I've been planning for AGES now), and I find myself mellowing down. Call it bad timing, but my best friend doesn't really like the idea. She expected more of a hyperactive response when she mentioned, "Shiiiiv, its finally happening!" Yes, I could hear the GRIN in her voice (for obvious reasons) but I was more like, "Ooookaaaayy! So what's up?"
Now, its not like I don't want to party. Because, OFCOURSE I do. My Sweet Sixteen, Unnati's Sexy Seventeen, 25 people, good music, good place (Getting Mannequin as the party venue was NOT easy)and unlimited beer and vodka (though we don't have much of a choice, and I DON'T drink) a chocolate truffle cake (Sigh, chocolate has always been such a weakness. *spaces out* *comes back to earth*), good food, and well Unnati and I have a lot to take care of at the party ( *Virtually looks at Unnati and grins* *Hi5 Anjalee, Puni, Sid and Nil who ALL will definitely make it, HOPEFULLY :S)
Do I need more reasons? Just in case, I have another. My first terms are on the way, and its going to be a while before I'll step out of my house again.. So the party has PERFECT timing. Now, yes, we're hoping it will be a good party. I have my doubts to be honest. I need to get so much off my mind, especially my bad academic performance in Chemistry (:|) that had me crying for hours three days back. And well I need more than just chilli flakes and oregano to spice up my life. And yes, I need more than just chocolate for good dessert after a dramatic main course. *BLAH*
Now, its not like I don't want to party. Because, OFCOURSE I do. My Sweet Sixteen, Unnati's Sexy Seventeen, 25 people, good music, good place (Getting Mannequin as the party venue was NOT easy)and unlimited beer and vodka (though we don't have much of a choice, and I DON'T drink) a chocolate truffle cake (Sigh, chocolate has always been such a weakness. *spaces out* *comes back to earth*), good food, and well Unnati and I have a lot to take care of at the party ( *Virtually looks at Unnati and grins* *Hi5 Anjalee, Puni, Sid and Nil who ALL will definitely make it, HOPEFULLY :S)
Do I need more reasons? Just in case, I have another. My first terms are on the way, and its going to be a while before I'll step out of my house again.. So the party has PERFECT timing. Now, yes, we're hoping it will be a good party. I have my doubts to be honest. I need to get so much off my mind, especially my bad academic performance in Chemistry (:|) that had me crying for hours three days back. And well I need more than just chilli flakes and oregano to spice up my life. And yes, I need more than just chocolate for good dessert after a dramatic main course. *BLAH*
Friday, August 13, 2010
To An Eternity That Ends With Us
A promise she had once made,
Time had stopped then,
In awe of her determination,
In fear of her power,
In respect of her dignity,
As every word inscribed itself in stone.
A promise she had once made,
To stay by my side.
And for an eternity that ends with us today,
I see her hand in mine.
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This is what I wrote for Nilanjana, who probably makes my day every time she talks about Neil and herself. I've never been too good with poetry but Nil, I really hope you liked it! :) I Love You! :)
Time had stopped then,
In awe of her determination,
In fear of her power,
In respect of her dignity,
As every word inscribed itself in stone.
A promise she had once made,
To stay by my side.
And for an eternity that ends with us today,
I see her hand in mine.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
This is what I wrote for Nilanjana, who probably makes my day every time she talks about Neil and herself. I've never been too good with poetry but Nil, I really hope you liked it! :) I Love You! :)
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Superstitiously Magical
I could hear her squeal with joy at the mention of her childhood sweetheart, see her jump in her happiness as she gripped both hands of her best friend, who shared a feeling of awe with her.
" My left eye just started behaving funny again. Its fluttering like a butterfly's wings. Oh goodness, I tell you, its meant to be. " The gush of breath that the girls let out then spelt excitement and anticipation. Well, her left eye had fluttered. She would be married to him wouldn't she? Or so everyone liked to believe. Especially her.
I smiled despite how silly I thought it was. The innocence of her wish, her desire to be with the one she's always loved touched me.
"He's coming day after tomorrow!!!" My Aunt exclaimed. "I just knew it. Crows seem to be making a nest in the balcony now-a-days. It's about time too. He's been away for a year and a half now." The news of my Uncle's arrival had been delivered by a crow. And so had mine. Atleast that's what I was given to understand. "Every morning a crow would look at me and start cawing." My mother had said. I had simply rolled my eyes and hugged her.
"My left hand seems to be too itchy. Where am I going to lose money?" My grumpy grandfather croaked irritably. "You woman keep a watch on your shopping escapades, I'm warning you. Money doesn't grow on a tree."
"Doesn't count for me, though. Ajay's business has been doing well these days. See, I can't seem to stop scratching my left hand. Ah! Women can be such good luck charms." My mother retorted.
I laughed silently at the senselessness of everything around me. I had never been a believer of God's signs in the form of dreams and animals at our doorstep. I had never believed in not saying particular things when we stepped out of the house for an important task. I didn't believe in not going to a temple on days we women were considered unclean, or stepping inside the kitchen without taking a shower. I didn't believe in any of it at all. Ironically, everybody else around me did. Good luck charms, protections against the evil eye, a ring for a good career and lots of money, I had none of it. Nor did I have the family jewel fitted in a pendant for success.
I sat down with my cup of milk and enjoyed the scene of a day in the life of a HUGE joint family that couldn't seem to stop trying to please the Almighty with prayers, or go to pandits for remedies to save the family business, or gurus who could teach their kids a spell to keep them away from distraction.
"You're up! Good! All washed up I believe." My grandmother sat down next to me eyeing the cup of warm milk in my hand.
"No, not really." I said casually.
The disgust on her face made me uncomfortable.
"You know the rules of the family, don't you? Or have you forgotten those too along with manners at how you're supposed to dress." I looked down at my pajama shorts. "Nevermind now. I won't tell anyone. Its only you're first day here after months. Go get washed up NOW and dress decently. The elders have been up for long now."
"But these shorts reach my knees." I said, exasperated at the thought of wearing jeans in the heat.
"What about the rest of your legs?"
I snorted and headed for my room upstairs. On the way, I decided on saying a quick hello to my cousin brother. Under the impression he was studying I was quiet as I closed the door of his room behind me. He was listening to something on the computer with his headphones on. I crept behind him wanting to surprise him. It was something I always did. He was 12 years younger to me and was like a baby brother.
"Booo" I laughed as he jumped and he looked at me with eyes wide open, trying to block the screen of the computer. "What are you hiding?"
"NOTHING. How.. How are you?" He was a nervous wreck I could tell.
"Oh whatever" I pushed him to one side and glanced at the screen for less than a second before bursting into fits of laughter. "Porn. Seriously. You haven't been saying Guruji's mantra everyday now, have you?"
You should have seen the guilt on his face! :P xD
" My left eye just started behaving funny again. Its fluttering like a butterfly's wings. Oh goodness, I tell you, its meant to be. " The gush of breath that the girls let out then spelt excitement and anticipation. Well, her left eye had fluttered. She would be married to him wouldn't she? Or so everyone liked to believe. Especially her.
I smiled despite how silly I thought it was. The innocence of her wish, her desire to be with the one she's always loved touched me.
"He's coming day after tomorrow!!!" My Aunt exclaimed. "I just knew it. Crows seem to be making a nest in the balcony now-a-days. It's about time too. He's been away for a year and a half now." The news of my Uncle's arrival had been delivered by a crow. And so had mine. Atleast that's what I was given to understand. "Every morning a crow would look at me and start cawing." My mother had said. I had simply rolled my eyes and hugged her.
"My left hand seems to be too itchy. Where am I going to lose money?" My grumpy grandfather croaked irritably. "You woman keep a watch on your shopping escapades, I'm warning you. Money doesn't grow on a tree."
"Doesn't count for me, though. Ajay's business has been doing well these days. See, I can't seem to stop scratching my left hand. Ah! Women can be such good luck charms." My mother retorted.
I laughed silently at the senselessness of everything around me. I had never been a believer of God's signs in the form of dreams and animals at our doorstep. I had never believed in not saying particular things when we stepped out of the house for an important task. I didn't believe in not going to a temple on days we women were considered unclean, or stepping inside the kitchen without taking a shower. I didn't believe in any of it at all. Ironically, everybody else around me did. Good luck charms, protections against the evil eye, a ring for a good career and lots of money, I had none of it. Nor did I have the family jewel fitted in a pendant for success.
I sat down with my cup of milk and enjoyed the scene of a day in the life of a HUGE joint family that couldn't seem to stop trying to please the Almighty with prayers, or go to pandits for remedies to save the family business, or gurus who could teach their kids a spell to keep them away from distraction.
"You're up! Good! All washed up I believe." My grandmother sat down next to me eyeing the cup of warm milk in my hand.
"No, not really." I said casually.
The disgust on her face made me uncomfortable.
"You know the rules of the family, don't you? Or have you forgotten those too along with manners at how you're supposed to dress." I looked down at my pajama shorts. "Nevermind now. I won't tell anyone. Its only you're first day here after months. Go get washed up NOW and dress decently. The elders have been up for long now."
"But these shorts reach my knees." I said, exasperated at the thought of wearing jeans in the heat.
"What about the rest of your legs?"
I snorted and headed for my room upstairs. On the way, I decided on saying a quick hello to my cousin brother. Under the impression he was studying I was quiet as I closed the door of his room behind me. He was listening to something on the computer with his headphones on. I crept behind him wanting to surprise him. It was something I always did. He was 12 years younger to me and was like a baby brother.
"Booo" I laughed as he jumped and he looked at me with eyes wide open, trying to block the screen of the computer. "What are you hiding?"
"NOTHING. How.. How are you?" He was a nervous wreck I could tell.
"Oh whatever" I pushed him to one side and glanced at the screen for less than a second before bursting into fits of laughter. "Porn. Seriously. You haven't been saying Guruji's mantra everyday now, have you?"
You should have seen the guilt on his face! :P xD
Dear Diary
I'm so afraid of losing out on what I have that I can hardly let go. The problem is I keep too many things too close to my heart. Probably because I appreciate it too much or maybe because I've recognized the universal fact of individuality that I am what I am because of the people and things around me.
Its so hard to let go off myself, to loosen that suffocatingly tight grip I have on myself, so much so that the painful relief just brings along a sense of insecurity. Guess its time to give myself a chance again.
Its so hard to let go off myself, to loosen that suffocatingly tight grip I have on myself, so much so that the painful relief just brings along a sense of insecurity. Guess its time to give myself a chance again.
Because..
Because my best can never be good enough.
Because there'll always be someone who surpasses me.
Because my efforts can never be appreciated, maybe they don't count at all.
Because I can neither be what others have thought of me, nor what I think I can be.
Because I am a disappointment to myself.
Because I am a disappointment to those who believe in me.
Because there'll always be someone who surpasses me.
Because my efforts can never be appreciated, maybe they don't count at all.
Because I can neither be what others have thought of me, nor what I think I can be.
Because I am a disappointment to myself.
Because I am a disappointment to those who believe in me.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
14 likes on this facebook status! xD
Me: Ding Dong Bell, Pussy's in the Well. *Boys around me jump into the well* Me : *shouts into the well* Haven't you heard that nursery rhyme before, dumbfucks?!
Weird Dreams
I had a dream last night. I was driving in the rain with my friends and the car broke down. All my friends had to get off and push the car. As they were pushing, the car started and I accidently pressed the accelerator too much and went off with them running behind it! LMAO!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The Dark
The Dark can be BEAUTIFUL. I've lived pleasant memories in it. Its the unseen face of secrecy, its the rustle of whispers barely heard, its the touch of someone else's emotion, its home to the friend you have in you. I look up to see this beauty crash with its beastly side. I can hear the black hole of the other side trying to suck in all the pleasantness. I am too repelled to be drawn into the mouth of hell and so I walk towards the light. Knowing where to find it again, knowing the treasures it holds, knowing that it will always be, I walk back into the beauty of the dark when I've had a little too much of the light.
Monday, August 9, 2010
One Liner?
Reasons too small but too many have the power to destroy 'a single something' so strong...
It's your choice
Hope and Love are keeping this 'Good-for-nothing' world together. You can choose to believe that and have faith in the better outcomes of life, or just believe that you're destined to be doomed with the rest of the world. I'd rather have faith, because its keeping me together.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Dear Diary
This is something I wrote on a sheet of paper last night. No electricity, so I couldn't switch on the computer and post it on blogger directly. And I was too lazy to find my latest diary. I have no idea where it is right now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Diary,
I remember the first time I wrote to you. I was 12. I remember sitting down, looking at one of my english papers, reading the essay my teacher had read out to the whole class. I was proud of myself. The appreciation felt good because it was the first time someone had acknowledged my work, called me to talk about what they thought I had in me. I remember looking blankly at my notebook, with a new pen in hand just scribbling whatever I thought was on my mind. Yes, the first time I wrote to you, it was on a lined piece of paper from my school rough notebook.
A lot has changed since 7th grade. And I remember filling up my rough notebooks year after year in class with details about crushes, seeing dad for the summer vacation, buying new story books and stationery, every little thing that seemed so BIG when life was as simple as it could get.
And finally I remember throwing away all my rough notebooks and diaries, all my letters to you for reasons that I myself, sometimes do not understand. But I know you've read them all. You've heard what others haven't and you've kept my words in silence, undiscovered. Thank You!
I'm writing to you after months now. Why? Because right now the whole city is wrapped in sleep and I am awake and I want to talk and YOU have always been the listener- The one with a blankness in you for me to fill with words from my heart, from my undead conscience among the million guilty around me.
At a point of time, you were my obsession. There was nothing more I needed than good book to read, a collection of good stationary, some good cartoons on TV and YOU. But that point of time is long gone. More than anything now, I want success. I want to know my way. I want the map that I'm meant to follow in my hands just so that I don't make the wrong choices. The only thing I can do is make a map of my own in my head. Follow a path that is home to my longings and dreams. But I've seen dreams crash before. And I don't if I'm the lucky one, who'll have it her way no matter what.
Despite how much things have changed, I know for sure that there are some evergreen things about me. One being that I don't want to grow up so fast. I try my best to take things at a pace slow enough to make me feel that I have enough time to be a kid. However, in my efforts to lag behind and take my own sweet time, I am pushed to run with time, at its pace, whether slow or fast, just to catch up with life. Because you can wait.. Life can't. Time can't. And this realization depresses me. There is never enough time and thats why you need to make your moves before its too late, or else tsunamis of time will drown you to make room for others like you.
Three years, the last one in particular, and this year in the running, have been the very best. I made friends who are ALWAYS going to be a major part of sweet memories of life. I've seen my relationship with my parents go through the worst and the best of times. Somehow, I am much closer to them now than I was before. And unlike the million teenagers out there, I have found friends for life in them. And I have only one person to thank for that. Had it not been for that person, the phase I went through because of him, had I not shared what that phase was like with my parents, I would have never believed they understood. And off all the bad, thats one of the two things I can thank him for.
I started to believe in Destiny and Fate this year. Its a belief and faith so strong that it would be hard to deter. I met this girl, called Nilanjana. It was in the most awkward way, and our friendship has evolved during and through the most painful times, but we were there for each other. I like to believe that the reason I had her best friend in my life as my boyfriend was because we both were destined to find in each other, friendship we could count on. And that is what I call FATE. NOT him, but HER. I remember when I broke up, Nilanjana sent me a text message saying, "Shiv, nothing changes between us." And the relief I felt, its not even funny. I don't know how far we'll go as friends because nothing is guaranteed in life. But I am just so grateful. Yes, I have my fears though. About our friendship. Because I strongly believe in the saying, "A flower that blooms quickly, wilts away even faster." It's held true for a lot. I just hope and pray, not in this case.
Last year, I became friends with Anjalee. The quiet, TALL girl in 6th grade, who I saw almost everyday till 10th grade, became my friend after so MANY years. And you know, she's the one I can count on to listen to me. She is the reason that I believe in myself, the little that I do anyway. Had it not been for her, I would be the girl with too much inside but nothing to let it out in.
I've been friends with Unnati for more than a year now. The fellow troublemaker from school and I are now best of friends. And she is someone I NEED as a part of my life, because she is a living idol of what we like to say is "LIVING LIFE". She's had her ups and her downs, I've seen her laugh and cry, I've seen her weak and strong.. And I've had her hold me and support me in whatever way she could. And two weeks from now, I cannot wait for our party together. :)
Sidak has changed.. A lot at that. Sometimes I don't even see her as the Sidak I have always known. But sometimes, I can still feel the essence of that soul, that person who I always seem to learn from, the person who I've seen fighting with everything she has had at hand. I don't know where life is leading us right now.. but I know, that she is one girl I will remember as my first TRUE best friend.
I don't have much to say about Puneeta. I don't know why. She's always been in the background, showing her colors once in a while. But you know diary, she has this warmth about her. Her lame jokes, her smile and the excitement in her voice have become a part of my life. :)
Wow, I'm getting tired now. I just wish the pen would just move on its own now. But I'm still going to talk. Everything is at a standstill right now. I don't know if thats good, but I feel the need to start running again. I feel like pushing myself forward, with this new found energy in me and make it through whatever there is in store for me. I want to shout, I want to dance. I want to lose control again.
Now, the weirdest part of this post. I recently met someone. Not someone special. But someone really charming and intelligent and BRAINY. And not too bad looking. The weird thing is.. I don't have the hots for him as such. Not in the normal way alteast. Call me gay, a geek or anything, but this guy makes me want to study. Eveytime, I look at him, or see him looking at me, I feel like doing physics or chemistry or maths.. Anything related to studies. I just feel like studying all day. I don't want to waste a minute on anything but my books. And when people ask me WHY I'm so weird.. All I can say, "I'm still finding out why?" HAAAA!
G'night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Diary,
I remember the first time I wrote to you. I was 12. I remember sitting down, looking at one of my english papers, reading the essay my teacher had read out to the whole class. I was proud of myself. The appreciation felt good because it was the first time someone had acknowledged my work, called me to talk about what they thought I had in me. I remember looking blankly at my notebook, with a new pen in hand just scribbling whatever I thought was on my mind. Yes, the first time I wrote to you, it was on a lined piece of paper from my school rough notebook.
A lot has changed since 7th grade. And I remember filling up my rough notebooks year after year in class with details about crushes, seeing dad for the summer vacation, buying new story books and stationery, every little thing that seemed so BIG when life was as simple as it could get.
And finally I remember throwing away all my rough notebooks and diaries, all my letters to you for reasons that I myself, sometimes do not understand. But I know you've read them all. You've heard what others haven't and you've kept my words in silence, undiscovered. Thank You!
I'm writing to you after months now. Why? Because right now the whole city is wrapped in sleep and I am awake and I want to talk and YOU have always been the listener- The one with a blankness in you for me to fill with words from my heart, from my undead conscience among the million guilty around me.
At a point of time, you were my obsession. There was nothing more I needed than good book to read, a collection of good stationary, some good cartoons on TV and YOU. But that point of time is long gone. More than anything now, I want success. I want to know my way. I want the map that I'm meant to follow in my hands just so that I don't make the wrong choices. The only thing I can do is make a map of my own in my head. Follow a path that is home to my longings and dreams. But I've seen dreams crash before. And I don't if I'm the lucky one, who'll have it her way no matter what.
Despite how much things have changed, I know for sure that there are some evergreen things about me. One being that I don't want to grow up so fast. I try my best to take things at a pace slow enough to make me feel that I have enough time to be a kid. However, in my efforts to lag behind and take my own sweet time, I am pushed to run with time, at its pace, whether slow or fast, just to catch up with life. Because you can wait.. Life can't. Time can't. And this realization depresses me. There is never enough time and thats why you need to make your moves before its too late, or else tsunamis of time will drown you to make room for others like you.
Three years, the last one in particular, and this year in the running, have been the very best. I made friends who are ALWAYS going to be a major part of sweet memories of life. I've seen my relationship with my parents go through the worst and the best of times. Somehow, I am much closer to them now than I was before. And unlike the million teenagers out there, I have found friends for life in them. And I have only one person to thank for that. Had it not been for that person, the phase I went through because of him, had I not shared what that phase was like with my parents, I would have never believed they understood. And off all the bad, thats one of the two things I can thank him for.
I started to believe in Destiny and Fate this year. Its a belief and faith so strong that it would be hard to deter. I met this girl, called Nilanjana. It was in the most awkward way, and our friendship has evolved during and through the most painful times, but we were there for each other. I like to believe that the reason I had her best friend in my life as my boyfriend was because we both were destined to find in each other, friendship we could count on. And that is what I call FATE. NOT him, but HER. I remember when I broke up, Nilanjana sent me a text message saying, "Shiv, nothing changes between us." And the relief I felt, its not even funny. I don't know how far we'll go as friends because nothing is guaranteed in life. But I am just so grateful. Yes, I have my fears though. About our friendship. Because I strongly believe in the saying, "A flower that blooms quickly, wilts away even faster." It's held true for a lot. I just hope and pray, not in this case.
Last year, I became friends with Anjalee. The quiet, TALL girl in 6th grade, who I saw almost everyday till 10th grade, became my friend after so MANY years. And you know, she's the one I can count on to listen to me. She is the reason that I believe in myself, the little that I do anyway. Had it not been for her, I would be the girl with too much inside but nothing to let it out in.
I've been friends with Unnati for more than a year now. The fellow troublemaker from school and I are now best of friends. And she is someone I NEED as a part of my life, because she is a living idol of what we like to say is "LIVING LIFE". She's had her ups and her downs, I've seen her laugh and cry, I've seen her weak and strong.. And I've had her hold me and support me in whatever way she could. And two weeks from now, I cannot wait for our party together. :)
Sidak has changed.. A lot at that. Sometimes I don't even see her as the Sidak I have always known. But sometimes, I can still feel the essence of that soul, that person who I always seem to learn from, the person who I've seen fighting with everything she has had at hand. I don't know where life is leading us right now.. but I know, that she is one girl I will remember as my first TRUE best friend.
I don't have much to say about Puneeta. I don't know why. She's always been in the background, showing her colors once in a while. But you know diary, she has this warmth about her. Her lame jokes, her smile and the excitement in her voice have become a part of my life. :)
Wow, I'm getting tired now. I just wish the pen would just move on its own now. But I'm still going to talk. Everything is at a standstill right now. I don't know if thats good, but I feel the need to start running again. I feel like pushing myself forward, with this new found energy in me and make it through whatever there is in store for me. I want to shout, I want to dance. I want to lose control again.
Now, the weirdest part of this post. I recently met someone. Not someone special. But someone really charming and intelligent and BRAINY. And not too bad looking. The weird thing is.. I don't have the hots for him as such. Not in the normal way alteast. Call me gay, a geek or anything, but this guy makes me want to study. Eveytime, I look at him, or see him looking at me, I feel like doing physics or chemistry or maths.. Anything related to studies. I just feel like studying all day. I don't want to waste a minute on anything but my books. And when people ask me WHY I'm so weird.. All I can say, "I'm still finding out why?" HAAAA!
G'night.
Friday, August 6, 2010
I confess...
I thought I'd lost you. I thought that you had turned your back on me, given up on me. I thought that you, of all people YOU, had deserted me. I thought that you had found another ME. I thought that WE would never be the same again. I thought that WE didn't exist. I thought that you had forgotten. I thought that you would let go. I needn't say how wrong I was. Because this is YOU we're talking about.
It hadn't been the same for a while. I couldn't see past my ego and self respect. I didn't want to understand and I expected you to. Maybe because I had tried understanding too many things, too many people at the same time.. But somewhere there, I forgot that it was YOU I had to understand the most.
Life's unusually bland for me. I have tried to find colors other than black, gray and white in the paint-box that is usually brimming with pleasant colors I haven't had the opportunity to paint my canvas with. I have tried to stroke blank sheets of paper, with meaningful figures that make sense. All I got was the abnormal crumpling of the sheet, as if I were painting it with water.
Life is cluttered for you. Too full and I had once wished I could be a part of it somehow. Little did I realize, that I wasn't meant to be a part of the mess, but someone you could come to when everything was crashing down on you, someone who you could trust with the little distorted pieces of your life to help you put them back in their right places in the puzzle. But I have always known that. And I will always be THAT someone. I just wish you could help me FIND the pieces of my puzzle. They've been missing for too long now. The only piece I'm holding on to is YOU!
Its been a while since YOU and I have been WE. And I wanted you to know that.
It hadn't been the same for a while. I couldn't see past my ego and self respect. I didn't want to understand and I expected you to. Maybe because I had tried understanding too many things, too many people at the same time.. But somewhere there, I forgot that it was YOU I had to understand the most.
Life's unusually bland for me. I have tried to find colors other than black, gray and white in the paint-box that is usually brimming with pleasant colors I haven't had the opportunity to paint my canvas with. I have tried to stroke blank sheets of paper, with meaningful figures that make sense. All I got was the abnormal crumpling of the sheet, as if I were painting it with water.
Life is cluttered for you. Too full and I had once wished I could be a part of it somehow. Little did I realize, that I wasn't meant to be a part of the mess, but someone you could come to when everything was crashing down on you, someone who you could trust with the little distorted pieces of your life to help you put them back in their right places in the puzzle. But I have always known that. And I will always be THAT someone. I just wish you could help me FIND the pieces of my puzzle. They've been missing for too long now. The only piece I'm holding on to is YOU!
Its been a while since YOU and I have been WE. And I wanted you to know that.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Hanging By A Moment
I searched the audience from the wings looking for a familiar face. It was the same face I saw at the biggest of concerts and the smallest of gigs. It was the only face I needed to glimpse for my nervousness to melt away from the pits in my gut and for the strong hold on my throat to loosen. I searched the entire first row, the second and the third but I couldn't see her. I felt stones form in my stomach as I desperately tried to relax. It was only ten seconds later that I saw her sitting at the bar, at the back of the entire audience standing near the stage. I could feel the sudden relief, the sweat on my head cooling, as if I could feel a breeze blowing.
"In three.. two.. one" I was vaguely aware of the voice that maneuvered us on stage. My band mates confidently walked passed me, the three of them playfully boxing my shoulders. Strangely, even after years on stage, the nervousness never ceased to get the best of me, until I saw her.
It was the way she looked at me right in the eyes, the way she smiled confidently that helped me overcome my in-confidence. It was the look in her eyes that told me, that no matter what I sang tonight, no matter how good or bad I sounded, I could never disappoint her. For her, I was always at my best on stage. It was the calm expression on her face, that intense, unbreakable attention that she paid to me when I was on stage that told me that she listened to my music. The slightest jerk of her head when she felt my passion to the core, when she understood the emotion behind the sound that made its way out of my lungs. The way she held her breath when she saw me hold mine, in awe, she once said, at how powerful she thought my voice was. There were days when she would look at me with an unintentional grave expression, under which I felt naked to her power to see through me and I would realize that simply listening to my choice of songs for the night and the way I made them sound, she had yet again opened the doors to another part of my life, without my having to open them or explain to her why I had kept them closed for so long. She understood me. She understood my music. She understood my mind. She understood my life. Yes, she understood me.
" Desperate for changing,
Starving for truth,
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you.
I'm falling even more in love with you,
Letting go of all I've held onto.
I'm standing here until you make me move.
I'm hanging by a moment here with you. "
This was for her. Every word that I could hear in my own voice was for her tonight. I poured everything I had into it. I wanted her to hear how much I meant these words and they weren't just lyrics to another song I had written. And I knew she knew how much I meant what I sang. She knew how much I loved her. Just like every song I'd made her hear, every song that I had written, I didn't have to explain to her why I'd chosen those words. And I didn't have to explain tonight. She knew... she just did. I could see it in the way she smiled, the way she lightly bit her lip, the way she gently bowed her head, slightly to side, trying to hide the blush that was everything but inconspicuous to my eyes. It was the way she tried to escape my eyes, trying to look away as if her reaction wasn't meant for me to see that told me, she felt just the same.
"In three.. two.. one" I was vaguely aware of the voice that maneuvered us on stage. My band mates confidently walked passed me, the three of them playfully boxing my shoulders. Strangely, even after years on stage, the nervousness never ceased to get the best of me, until I saw her.
It was the way she looked at me right in the eyes, the way she smiled confidently that helped me overcome my in-confidence. It was the look in her eyes that told me, that no matter what I sang tonight, no matter how good or bad I sounded, I could never disappoint her. For her, I was always at my best on stage. It was the calm expression on her face, that intense, unbreakable attention that she paid to me when I was on stage that told me that she listened to my music. The slightest jerk of her head when she felt my passion to the core, when she understood the emotion behind the sound that made its way out of my lungs. The way she held her breath when she saw me hold mine, in awe, she once said, at how powerful she thought my voice was. There were days when she would look at me with an unintentional grave expression, under which I felt naked to her power to see through me and I would realize that simply listening to my choice of songs for the night and the way I made them sound, she had yet again opened the doors to another part of my life, without my having to open them or explain to her why I had kept them closed for so long. She understood me. She understood my music. She understood my mind. She understood my life. Yes, she understood me.
" Desperate for changing,
Starving for truth,
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you.
I'm falling even more in love with you,
Letting go of all I've held onto.
I'm standing here until you make me move.
I'm hanging by a moment here with you. "
This was for her. Every word that I could hear in my own voice was for her tonight. I poured everything I had into it. I wanted her to hear how much I meant these words and they weren't just lyrics to another song I had written. And I knew she knew how much I meant what I sang. She knew how much I loved her. Just like every song I'd made her hear, every song that I had written, I didn't have to explain to her why I'd chosen those words. And I didn't have to explain tonight. She knew... she just did. I could see it in the way she smiled, the way she lightly bit her lip, the way she gently bowed her head, slightly to side, trying to hide the blush that was everything but inconspicuous to my eyes. It was the way she tried to escape my eyes, trying to look away as if her reaction wasn't meant for me to see that told me, she felt just the same.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
And I still dream those dreams, I still see them coming to life.
I'm a dreamer. I always have been and always will be. Every night, as I lay my head on my pillow, I'm washed by a wave of dreams that drowns me into sound sleep. I wish for things. I wish for things that I've always wanted, things that I've lost and miss so much, things that were never mine in the first place but I long to just be close enough to touch them. I dream about being famous, being where I've always wanted to be, and seeing others where I think they deserve to. Its been a while since things have been pleasant. But, that doesn't change how amazing my dreams are. Because, I am a dreamer, always will be.
I dream about life in other people's shoes and their life in mine. Its mainly at night that I try and understand others. Its something that has helped me figure out the most complex minds to a certain extent. I try and figure people out. I reason with their reasons. Sometimes its like I'm two people at once- As the first, I am myself, and as the second I am who I'm thinking about. I don't usually choose who I want to think about. Their picture just hits my head as the last thought at night before I sleep and then I spend most of the night unconsciously thinking. Weird, huh? But its true. And then before you know it, people's reactions don't surprise me.
Sometimes my dreams are weird and like the others who believe, I try and find meaning in them. I always believe that weird dreams are life's way of forewarning us about happenings and though I can't always remember my dreams I know what to expect. Its like an intuition coming to life at night.
But despite all that, I don't want everything I wish for. I don't want everything in one go. I don't want anything I don't deserve. Why? Because I'm a dreamer. I can't dream about things I already have. So I don't want everything. Because I want to be able to dream. I like being a dreamer. And so I still dream those dreams. I still see them coming to life.. :)
Monday, August 2, 2010
*YAWN*
Okay, so its been a long tiring day and all I can think of is how unpredictable the last two have been. Really, they have! So today was BORING! And I think I need some drama in my life. I need something to happen. Obviously I don't mean a melodramatic scene, with tears and complaints.. Because right now I can't handle THAT! But, some really good gossip, bitching sessions with friends, and a sleepover to bond over, a LONG movie night. Sigh. Thats more like it! :)
I guess you've figured by now how random this post is going to be. And trust me its going to get worse.
I cannot.. just CANNOT wait to throw my house party one of these days. Yes, the whole house to me and a very cool grown up who's going to be "looking after us" Haa.. you wish! Now all I have to take care of is the neighbors. Issues with loud music! :|
I need to take pictures. I really do. I'm bored with the ones on facebook. AND YES I FEEL SO BLONDE!
I think I need ferror rocher right now. God, its so tempting. <3
I don't feel like going to school tomorrow. (Nothing new, trust me! :P)
My head is hurting. And I need to plan out a party which I have a bad feeling isn't going to work out for this Sunday. Why does this have to happen to me?! I need to get out and DANCE!
I've never been drunk before. I was studying on my 16th birthday. :| Which is reason enough to want to get up and PAAAARTTTAAAY! :D
I have school tomorrow. I should sleep. What am I waiting for? Its already midnight. Or five minutes to it anyway.
Why is it so WARM? Gosh, I've been sitting without a fan and air-conditioner for the past hour. I don't know why! :|
My YOUNGER sister is shouting at me. She wants me to help her find a ROUGH notebook. Uff.. *feel like hitting my head against the wall*
And its three minutes to midnight. It'll take a minute to set the alarm. Leaves with two minutes. And by the time I shut down the computer and go to bed, it'll be 12. I need to get up at 6 am. Six hours should be enough, right?
This is for those who bothered too completely read this post.
Goodnight! :)
I guess you've figured by now how random this post is going to be. And trust me its going to get worse.
I cannot.. just CANNOT wait to throw my house party one of these days. Yes, the whole house to me and a very cool grown up who's going to be "looking after us" Haa.. you wish! Now all I have to take care of is the neighbors. Issues with loud music! :|
I need to take pictures. I really do. I'm bored with the ones on facebook. AND YES I FEEL SO BLONDE!
I think I need ferror rocher right now. God, its so tempting. <3
I don't feel like going to school tomorrow. (Nothing new, trust me! :P)
My head is hurting. And I need to plan out a party which I have a bad feeling isn't going to work out for this Sunday. Why does this have to happen to me?! I need to get out and DANCE!
I've never been drunk before. I was studying on my 16th birthday. :| Which is reason enough to want to get up and PAAAARTTTAAAY! :D
I have school tomorrow. I should sleep. What am I waiting for? Its already midnight. Or five minutes to it anyway.
Why is it so WARM? Gosh, I've been sitting without a fan and air-conditioner for the past hour. I don't know why! :|
My YOUNGER sister is shouting at me. She wants me to help her find a ROUGH notebook. Uff.. *feel like hitting my head against the wall*
And its three minutes to midnight. It'll take a minute to set the alarm. Leaves with two minutes. And by the time I shut down the computer and go to bed, it'll be 12. I need to get up at 6 am. Six hours should be enough, right?
This is for those who bothered too completely read this post.
Goodnight! :)
Like I said...
You know, some people are stupid enough to not trust my sense of judgement. If there's one thing I know, its that I'm mostly never wrong about reading people's intentions. Sometimes I'm so right that its almost pleasing in a hurtful way. Confused about what that means? Well its simple really. Sometimes you don't want to be right. You want to prove yourself wrong. But when it happens, you know you've won that bet, you've shown people how right you were. And that pleasing sense of being right comes along with the hurt that you were deep inside prepared for.
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