I'm here...

Finally after what seems like ages I'm here in Kitwe, a tiny, tiny town a few hundred kilometers away from the capital city of Zambia, Lusaka. There isn't much one can do here. Like I said, its a tiny town. Apart from a few old bars, full with locals who share a drink after a long, hard day at factories and mines, some really bad hotels and casinos where all one can do is waste their money, and a run down squash court there isn't anything similar to what you would find in a city like Delhi. So that means no cool malls. But there's something about this place. The greenery around you, the pleasant weather in June, the long, wide roads bordered by stretches of long,dry grass and tall green trees at the same time, the fresh air, not polluted one bit, considering there are hardly any people or cars here, the few people who live here, who may not know you, but treat you with the warmth of a friend... Yes, this is exactly what I need.

This year keeps getting worse. What started off with a bang and lots of joy seems to have dwindled into the complete opposite right now. Nothing I thought would happen is happening. My ex-boyfriend turned out to be nothing I had expected him to be. Now, I wonder why I wasted time on a relationship in the first place. It hurt initially. A lot at that. And messed me up because I felt like my self-respect had been walked over. Sometimes, I wonder why and things went wrong. I wonder what went wrong and to be honest, I still have no idea. But in the end, I got the worst end of the stick. Lets just leave it at that. I now realize, no matter how many whole hearted efforts you make, they aren't always appreciated. Why? I don't know. I wanted to change my school. Leave my shit-ass convent school and go somewhere I would like being. Even after a CGPA of 9.8 I'm still in carmel and stuck there for the next two years. My friends are leaving school. I don't know how things will work out. If things go the way they're going now, I might just lose them. Maybe they'll find other people more like them and forget me. It won't be their fault. Life will change for them. They're going to be so busy that they won't have time for people of the past... for me. I don't feel like myself. I don't feel like I've done enough to make my place. I feel like a talentless piece of shit who people look down at. The excitement and joy of a good result mellowed down not more than two days after I got it. I see so many people around me, all destined to be the best at what they want to do. I don't know if I can say the same for myself. My dreams seem to be the only blissful place. I want to sleep so I can find a sense of satisfaction in a parallel world of my sub-conscious mind, where everything is what I want it to be. I'm trying everything I can. I want to try harder. I don't want to regret anything I do. I want the old me back. I want to feel weightless. For the past 2 months, there's been this weight inside my chest. I can't seem to push it out, and no matter how much I try, it seems to come back, heavier every time. For all the times I've lied to everyone about my swollen, red eyes, I want to find reasons not to cry. Why did things have to change? Why did things have to change me? Why did people have to change?

This is why I need to be here. The emptiness seems to have the capacity to fill itself with the crammed pandemonium in my head. The natural beauty around me, helps me believe that no matter how bad things are, there is always one place in this world where you can find yourself and fight back with a newfound strength. I'm waiting to find my new strengths. And I know this is where I'll find it.

I'm here. :)