I need to get away...

The ambiguity of my emotions is now getting to me. Life is a blur. Its like I'm speeding ahead in the tunnel of time. trying to catch up with minutes yet to come, trying to grab on to every second I can, just so that I can tell myself that I made the most of all the time I had. But is that what's happening? Am I really making the most of my time? Today, I have to find time for myself; Plan 5 hours, 5 minutes, 5 seconds that I can give to myself and what I love doing. I don't know what I've become because apparently the way people look at me has changed. They see me as someone I don't recognize. I've seen people change... Change so much in so little time that now its almost impossible to even compare the people they were and have now become. So much so, I don't know who I've thrown out of my life. Time heals all wounds. But I've never heard of it filling the voids in one's life. Sometimes they just become deeper, as we realize the importance of a presence we never really acknowledged in the first place. The problem is, I don't know what created the void in my life.

I'm speeding ahead in the tunnel of time. trying to catch up with minutes yet to come, trying to grab on to every second I can.. I just hope, I don't stop dead in my tracks one fine day and realize that what I've missed out on, is too far behind. I need to slow down.. I need to get away...

I need a drug...

Rage erupted from the depths of my very soul and bitterness held my mind in its negativity. My heart was beating curses as it pounded against the walls of my chest, almost ready to shatter my rib-cage into a million pieces of hatred and disgust. My blood, hot with the fire inside, was rushing to my head, burning away my power to think and act. I felt as if I had been standing in the sun, at noon, in the peak of summers, only that it was the middle of the night in December. I didn't want to forgive; I didn't want to forget. The urge to hurt something, someone.. anything, anyone.. made my hands shiver as if trying not to be manipulated into atrocities by the murderous chain of violent incidents of my past, that seemed to be clouding my thoughts of maddening havoc. I held the syringe and pierced my skin, pushing the last drop of sweet poison into my bloodstream, craving the paralysis of my body, mind and soul to step into a world of delusion of my own sub-conscious making. I beseeched to momentarily live in a universe parallel to ours, only different for me. I wanted to feel closer to God or Satin or whoever it was that I thought I believed in. I wanted to feel invisible to the creation around. Once again, I was gratified by the only prayer that was ever answered and I regarded the presence of an almighty that was there to save us and give us what we wanted. I fell to the ground. I was where I wanted to be...

Once,,

Only a couple of pages left before 'The End'.. Then I can finally put the book down and let the dust settle on it. I'm never reading THAT one again. Some things just happen once...

A thought...

Hanging in the midst of nowhere, something that didn't go anywhere, only to be strung back again, with knots in the middle of evenness. Things were never the same again...

.....

Its ironic how there are people who think that everything falls into place eventually and choose to do nothing about anything, while there are those who are more than willing to take things into their hands and shape the outcomes of life. The first I feel is a sign of weakness. The second just shows how involved you are with your own life and how you want to lead it.

I'm not afraid to cry..

Sometimes you don't cry and see yourself in the mirror as someone who just lost but someone who discovered that he can survive, he can feel, he can wish, he can hope, he can hate, he can love, he can move on and let the muted pandemonium of his thoughts answer every question asked. Atleast you COULD cry. I don't how my inner self would speak if the tears dried up... I'm not afraid to cry.

They're always there, will always be.. Even if you think they're not. You just have to wait and see.

When life suddenly seems to crash down, seem to fall apart and forget that its killing me, I find around the corners of the broken roads I tread, people who promised never to leave my side. They're waiting to push me forward, help me mend what can be fixed and throw away all that cannot. They're keeping their promises and making new ones which I know they will never break. The process of getting things back is slow, because they are not enough people to help me; which surprises me because I had always thought that most of the people around me cared. But when it actually came down to the real deal, a lot of them hid in the bushes, pretending that they had never seen what I had bearing for far too long to go unnoticed. Only those remained, who not only walked with me but also ahead of me to show me the right way. And thats why they're around the corners, waiting patiently for me to catch up and move on and start a new journey with them. The journey did not promise never ending bliss, but a walk worthwhile. And the people who have helped me get this far, are still here, will always be hopefully, and have left their marks as people I will never want to forget. :)

Dreams

Why is it so hard to believe, to let go off, that memory that till date seems like an illusion? Its something you can't forget; no point in trying to either, because it has it place in dreams that won't come true but being in lost them just gives you that sudden high, makes you smile with a feeling that no one but you knows about! No I'm most definitely not talking about love. Its just a description of when you just pass your dreams by, without realizing how unforgettable every minute, every second, every step that you took while passing it would be.

:)

I've fallen in and out of love. Both very different experiences that have had contradictory effects on me. While one left me feeling like all I ever needed was that one person, the other made me feel like that person was never there to stay forever. One made me feel like I could never stop smiling,and the other wouldn't and couldn't stop my tears, that soon dried up to leave marks that I washed off, not wanting to see what the latter feeling had done to me. The only thing they have in common is that we never forget how it feels to be a part of the feeling that reaches out to the depths of what we truly are :)

Its not an end until you want it to be...

Sometimes you don't end things because you regret them, but because, you want to stop them before you do. That is one reason why I never looks upon my mistakes and my blunders as things I wish I had never done. The fact that I made them and tried to fix them, makes me feel like I have given everything in life more than one chance to be right for me.

But there are always those things that I wish I had never ended, because in the end I realized I had given up on them too quickly. But the good thing is that I never stopped myself from making the mistakes again. Maybe I shouldn't refer to them as mistakes. They're actually those experiences, those feelings that ignited in me the longing to step out of my own bubble and be a part of another's. I remember at one point of time, I couldn't stop thinking that it wasn't worth it. But then I realized, just because something doesn't work out in your favor, or things don't happen the way you want them too, doesn't mean they're not worth it. They ARE worth the effort, its just how you want to work on it. And its okay if you don't want to work on it. No one's forcing you. But at the end of the day, its how willing you are to make things better that decides how far you can take things and how worthwhile you make them.

So, as of now, I know its my decision about how I want things to be. Because I know, its not anend until you want it to be.