They're always there, will always be.. Even if you think they're not. You just have to wait and see.

When life suddenly seems to crash down, seem to fall apart and forget that its killing me, I find around the corners of the broken roads I tread, people who promised never to leave my side. They're waiting to push me forward, help me mend what can be fixed and throw away all that cannot. They're keeping their promises and making new ones which I know they will never break. The process of getting things back is slow, because they are not enough people to help me; which surprises me because I had always thought that most of the people around me cared. But when it actually came down to the real deal, a lot of them hid in the bushes, pretending that they had never seen what I had bearing for far too long to go unnoticed. Only those remained, who not only walked with me but also ahead of me to show me the right way. And thats why they're around the corners, waiting patiently for me to catch up and move on and start a new journey with them. The journey did not promise never ending bliss, but a walk worthwhile. And the people who have helped me get this far, are still here, will always be hopefully, and have left their marks as people I will never want to forget. :)

Dreams

Why is it so hard to believe, to let go off, that memory that till date seems like an illusion? Its something you can't forget; no point in trying to either, because it has it place in dreams that won't come true but being in lost them just gives you that sudden high, makes you smile with a feeling that no one but you knows about! No I'm most definitely not talking about love. Its just a description of when you just pass your dreams by, without realizing how unforgettable every minute, every second, every step that you took while passing it would be.

:)

I've fallen in and out of love. Both very different experiences that have had contradictory effects on me. While one left me feeling like all I ever needed was that one person, the other made me feel like that person was never there to stay forever. One made me feel like I could never stop smiling,and the other wouldn't and couldn't stop my tears, that soon dried up to leave marks that I washed off, not wanting to see what the latter feeling had done to me. The only thing they have in common is that we never forget how it feels to be a part of the feeling that reaches out to the depths of what we truly are :)

Its not an end until you want it to be...

Sometimes you don't end things because you regret them, but because, you want to stop them before you do. That is one reason why I never looks upon my mistakes and my blunders as things I wish I had never done. The fact that I made them and tried to fix them, makes me feel like I have given everything in life more than one chance to be right for me.

But there are always those things that I wish I had never ended, because in the end I realized I had given up on them too quickly. But the good thing is that I never stopped myself from making the mistakes again. Maybe I shouldn't refer to them as mistakes. They're actually those experiences, those feelings that ignited in me the longing to step out of my own bubble and be a part of another's. I remember at one point of time, I couldn't stop thinking that it wasn't worth it. But then I realized, just because something doesn't work out in your favor, or things don't happen the way you want them too, doesn't mean they're not worth it. They ARE worth the effort, its just how you want to work on it. And its okay if you don't want to work on it. No one's forcing you. But at the end of the day, its how willing you are to make things better that decides how far you can take things and how worthwhile you make them.

So, as of now, I know its my decision about how I want things to be. Because I know, its not anend until you want it to be.

I'm changing

I'm changing. I have to. Not because I don't have a choice but because I choose to, because I want to.

Sometimes, intentions aren't interpreted the way you want them to be, and you have no one but yourself to blame because you never made your intentions clear or understandable in the first place. And thats precisely why you lose out on people you care about. And when you do you can't even blame yourself because you don't remember meaning any harm.

But thats where I was wrong. I was recently told, "You don't have to stop speaking or giving advice or, for that matter, not give you opinion. You just have to manipulate what comes out of your mouth. People won't automatically grow brains and think about what you really meant. So don't just say the right thing, say it how it's supposed to be said "

Thats when I realized, for anything you say, to be taken in the right way, you need to do say it the right way. At the end of the day, its how you say it that will make a difference, that will have the impact and make people think about it later, no matter how much they pretend not to care.

So I'm changing the way I put things across. Being blatantly honest isn't a bad thing. But now I realize you need to be honest about things to people who can accept your opinion. You can't just say something because you want to. You have to keep in mind the person you're talking to, his feelings, his ego, his opinion.

Now, the only major problem. What if you can't lie? What if your smile gives you away and even if you say something, your expression goes against it. But there's a solution to that. Sometimes its easy to get away with just, " What I or the others think doesn't matter actually. If you like it, go ahead. "

When Realization strikes..

I have been sitting in the same place all day long, doing what I love most-Reading. After a point of time I feel my eyes getting strained and though I'm not tired, I lie down and close my eyes. I try to think of the book I've been reading since morning and for a while I do. But I can't help it when my thoughts wander and I begin to think of about my life.

These are the times when REALIZATION strikes and you have no idea whether you wish it had or had not. I realize that things aren't what I thought they were or how they would be. Everything has changed. People have changed and are still changing. Friends in particular are going their own ways and I have no idea how far these ways are and will take us. Hopefully, not far from each other. Somehow I have become dependent on my friends. Not for company but because at the end of the day, I know when you're family doesn't understand, and the rest of the world is indifferent, my best friends will be there through it all. And that is what I like to believe. I know they're thinking about exactly the same things right now. We all know that there's too much at stake here- to a certain extent our identities and sense of security.

But more than that, this sense of realization implies more to my life and my emotions. Somehow, things I had believed or had wanted to aren't,I wouldn't say wrong but, not exactly what I thought they were. I remember thinking through everything, but I don't remember ever reaching the right conclusion. I had told myself many times before that "How I think right now, is likely to change in the time to come." But I didn't think it would be so SOON. Or maybe I did. I don't know. Its only makes sense that I would realize this right now, because later on I'm sure things would be exactly how I think they would be. I know this because, TIME can bring about the biggest changes in life. It can change the way people feel, it can change the people themselves. It can be an eye-opener. It can bring people together or rip them apart only to bring them back again, this time preparing them to be thrown away in two different worlds for good. I remember writing this at the back of an old diary.

So, not much time has passed and I've already changed my course of thought. I cannot seem to abide by the rules of what I should be doing and how I shouldn't be over-thinking stuff. I cannot seem to recognize the fact that the good times, in the end, are more worthwhile. She once told me that it would be ok.. But now I realize that I'm not sure I want it to be okay.

I say its realization, she says its confusion. What is it?

*sigh*

They're disappointed. They're disappointed in ME. They're disappointed with WHO I am, WHAT I have become and have always been, WHERE I see myself as far as I can see, and the people I choose to be with.

I can't blame them because thats how everyone has always seen me. For them, I am pathetic because I have no reasons for doing what I'm doing. I am irresponsible because I am forgetful. I am an Idiot, because I don't do things the right way or.. THEIR way. I am arrogant because I am proud of something they don't think I have. I am aggressive because I choose to explain myself. I am a problem, because I never have the solutions. I have betrayed them, because I have done things they didn't want me to. I am shameless because I say that I have no qualms about doing things I want, MY way. I am weak, because I give in to the smallest demands, because I tend to avoid things. I lack courage because I can't face the consequences of my decisions. I am a burden because my demands are too much. I am detached because I don't like to bond with them. I aimless because I don't know what I want.

I am not saying they're wrong. Is it possible for almost everyone to have the same opinion? No. So, I am what they think I am. But only for them.

They don't understand why I do things. Even if they do, they think they're the wrong reasons. But who said they're reasons were right? They were wrong for me.

Am i irresponsible or human? I have tried getting my things in order but no matter what the effort, every time I get something right, for them it was just "co-incidence".

For me, I'd be an idiot for doing things their way. I'd be an idiot for doing what they thought right but what i thought was wrong. I'd be an idiot for not making my own decisions and learning from the wrong ones.

I'm not arrogant. I cannot help it if they do not see me the way I actually am. If they think I am arrogant, they should know what about too. But they don't see any good in me, nothing to be arrogant about. I have never made anyone a part of the things I CAN do, because I am not proud of them. What I can do, the whole world can. Thats how I have always felt.

I am aggressive. YES. I am. I cannot take the blame when it is NOT my fault. I cannot take responsibility to clean up the mess that isn't mine. And therefore, I choose to explain why I'm not sorry, why it isn't me who has blundered, why I cannot give in.

Am i a problem or are their problems to complicated to solve. I apologize for not having the solutions but, what the hell, you don't either.

I have not betrayed them because I never agreed to doing things the way they want me to, do things that they would want me to. I have never changed my decisions easily and I have never accepted theirs .

I am not shameless because I am not ashamed of the things I have done. The things I have done have made me what I am today and I am not ashamed of what I know I am.

I am not weak. I just prefer to avoid them.

I CAN face the consequences of my decisions. Their derogatory remarks, complaints and opinions are the consequences and I am facing them. I am still doing what i think is right.

I don't demand a lot. I just want the freedom to do what I WANT, without having them tell me how I should go about everything.

I am not aimless, they just don't like what I'm aiming for. There is a lot I want to do, I just can't decide what I want to do first.

Am i detached? Or is it that I choose to stay away from the people, around whom I am not myself, who have a problem with who I am, what I have always been, what I will always be- ME!