When Realization strikes..

I have been sitting in the same place all day long, doing what I love most-Reading. After a point of time I feel my eyes getting strained and though I'm not tired, I lie down and close my eyes. I try to think of the book I've been reading since morning and for a while I do. But I can't help it when my thoughts wander and I begin to think of about my life.

These are the times when REALIZATION strikes and you have no idea whether you wish it had or had not. I realize that things aren't what I thought they were or how they would be. Everything has changed. People have changed and are still changing. Friends in particular are going their own ways and I have no idea how far these ways are and will take us. Hopefully, not far from each other. Somehow I have become dependent on my friends. Not for company but because at the end of the day, I know when you're family doesn't understand, and the rest of the world is indifferent, my best friends will be there through it all. And that is what I like to believe. I know they're thinking about exactly the same things right now. We all know that there's too much at stake here- to a certain extent our identities and sense of security.

But more than that, this sense of realization implies more to my life and my emotions. Somehow, things I had believed or had wanted to aren't,I wouldn't say wrong but, not exactly what I thought they were. I remember thinking through everything, but I don't remember ever reaching the right conclusion. I had told myself many times before that "How I think right now, is likely to change in the time to come." But I didn't think it would be so SOON. Or maybe I did. I don't know. Its only makes sense that I would realize this right now, because later on I'm sure things would be exactly how I think they would be. I know this because, TIME can bring about the biggest changes in life. It can change the way people feel, it can change the people themselves. It can be an eye-opener. It can bring people together or rip them apart only to bring them back again, this time preparing them to be thrown away in two different worlds for good. I remember writing this at the back of an old diary.

So, not much time has passed and I've already changed my course of thought. I cannot seem to abide by the rules of what I should be doing and how I shouldn't be over-thinking stuff. I cannot seem to recognize the fact that the good times, in the end, are more worthwhile. She once told me that it would be ok.. But now I realize that I'm not sure I want it to be okay.

I say its realization, she says its confusion. What is it?