Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Weird Dreams
I had a dream last night. I was driving in the rain with my friends and the car broke down. All my friends had to get off and push the car. As they were pushing, the car started and I accidently pressed the accelerator too much and went off with them running behind it! LMAO!
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
The Dark
The Dark can be BEAUTIFUL. I've lived pleasant memories in it. Its the unseen face of secrecy, its the rustle of whispers barely heard, its the touch of someone else's emotion, its home to the friend you have in you. I look up to see this beauty crash with its beastly side. I can hear the black hole of the other side trying to suck in all the pleasantness. I am too repelled to be drawn into the mouth of hell and so I walk towards the light. Knowing where to find it again, knowing the treasures it holds, knowing that it will always be, I walk back into the beauty of the dark when I've had a little too much of the light.
Monday, August 9, 2010
One Liner?
Reasons too small but too many have the power to destroy 'a single something' so strong...
It's your choice
Hope and Love are keeping this 'Good-for-nothing' world together. You can choose to believe that and have faith in the better outcomes of life, or just believe that you're destined to be doomed with the rest of the world. I'd rather have faith, because its keeping me together.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Dear Diary
This is something I wrote on a sheet of paper last night. No electricity, so I couldn't switch on the computer and post it on blogger directly. And I was too lazy to find my latest diary. I have no idea where it is right now.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Diary,
I remember the first time I wrote to you. I was 12. I remember sitting down, looking at one of my english papers, reading the essay my teacher had read out to the whole class. I was proud of myself. The appreciation felt good because it was the first time someone had acknowledged my work, called me to talk about what they thought I had in me. I remember looking blankly at my notebook, with a new pen in hand just scribbling whatever I thought was on my mind. Yes, the first time I wrote to you, it was on a lined piece of paper from my school rough notebook.
A lot has changed since 7th grade. And I remember filling up my rough notebooks year after year in class with details about crushes, seeing dad for the summer vacation, buying new story books and stationery, every little thing that seemed so BIG when life was as simple as it could get.
And finally I remember throwing away all my rough notebooks and diaries, all my letters to you for reasons that I myself, sometimes do not understand. But I know you've read them all. You've heard what others haven't and you've kept my words in silence, undiscovered. Thank You!
I'm writing to you after months now. Why? Because right now the whole city is wrapped in sleep and I am awake and I want to talk and YOU have always been the listener- The one with a blankness in you for me to fill with words from my heart, from my undead conscience among the million guilty around me.
At a point of time, you were my obsession. There was nothing more I needed than good book to read, a collection of good stationary, some good cartoons on TV and YOU. But that point of time is long gone. More than anything now, I want success. I want to know my way. I want the map that I'm meant to follow in my hands just so that I don't make the wrong choices. The only thing I can do is make a map of my own in my head. Follow a path that is home to my longings and dreams. But I've seen dreams crash before. And I don't if I'm the lucky one, who'll have it her way no matter what.
Despite how much things have changed, I know for sure that there are some evergreen things about me. One being that I don't want to grow up so fast. I try my best to take things at a pace slow enough to make me feel that I have enough time to be a kid. However, in my efforts to lag behind and take my own sweet time, I am pushed to run with time, at its pace, whether slow or fast, just to catch up with life. Because you can wait.. Life can't. Time can't. And this realization depresses me. There is never enough time and thats why you need to make your moves before its too late, or else tsunamis of time will drown you to make room for others like you.
Three years, the last one in particular, and this year in the running, have been the very best. I made friends who are ALWAYS going to be a major part of sweet memories of life. I've seen my relationship with my parents go through the worst and the best of times. Somehow, I am much closer to them now than I was before. And unlike the million teenagers out there, I have found friends for life in them. And I have only one person to thank for that. Had it not been for that person, the phase I went through because of him, had I not shared what that phase was like with my parents, I would have never believed they understood. And off all the bad, thats one of the two things I can thank him for.
I started to believe in Destiny and Fate this year. Its a belief and faith so strong that it would be hard to deter. I met this girl, called Nilanjana. It was in the most awkward way, and our friendship has evolved during and through the most painful times, but we were there for each other. I like to believe that the reason I had her best friend in my life as my boyfriend was because we both were destined to find in each other, friendship we could count on. And that is what I call FATE. NOT him, but HER. I remember when I broke up, Nilanjana sent me a text message saying, "Shiv, nothing changes between us." And the relief I felt, its not even funny. I don't know how far we'll go as friends because nothing is guaranteed in life. But I am just so grateful. Yes, I have my fears though. About our friendship. Because I strongly believe in the saying, "A flower that blooms quickly, wilts away even faster." It's held true for a lot. I just hope and pray, not in this case.
Last year, I became friends with Anjalee. The quiet, TALL girl in 6th grade, who I saw almost everyday till 10th grade, became my friend after so MANY years. And you know, she's the one I can count on to listen to me. She is the reason that I believe in myself, the little that I do anyway. Had it not been for her, I would be the girl with too much inside but nothing to let it out in.
I've been friends with Unnati for more than a year now. The fellow troublemaker from school and I are now best of friends. And she is someone I NEED as a part of my life, because she is a living idol of what we like to say is "LIVING LIFE". She's had her ups and her downs, I've seen her laugh and cry, I've seen her weak and strong.. And I've had her hold me and support me in whatever way she could. And two weeks from now, I cannot wait for our party together. :)
Sidak has changed.. A lot at that. Sometimes I don't even see her as the Sidak I have always known. But sometimes, I can still feel the essence of that soul, that person who I always seem to learn from, the person who I've seen fighting with everything she has had at hand. I don't know where life is leading us right now.. but I know, that she is one girl I will remember as my first TRUE best friend.
I don't have much to say about Puneeta. I don't know why. She's always been in the background, showing her colors once in a while. But you know diary, she has this warmth about her. Her lame jokes, her smile and the excitement in her voice have become a part of my life. :)
Wow, I'm getting tired now. I just wish the pen would just move on its own now. But I'm still going to talk. Everything is at a standstill right now. I don't know if thats good, but I feel the need to start running again. I feel like pushing myself forward, with this new found energy in me and make it through whatever there is in store for me. I want to shout, I want to dance. I want to lose control again.
Now, the weirdest part of this post. I recently met someone. Not someone special. But someone really charming and intelligent and BRAINY. And not too bad looking. The weird thing is.. I don't have the hots for him as such. Not in the normal way alteast. Call me gay, a geek or anything, but this guy makes me want to study. Eveytime, I look at him, or see him looking at me, I feel like doing physics or chemistry or maths.. Anything related to studies. I just feel like studying all day. I don't want to waste a minute on anything but my books. And when people ask me WHY I'm so weird.. All I can say, "I'm still finding out why?" HAAAA!
G'night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Diary,
I remember the first time I wrote to you. I was 12. I remember sitting down, looking at one of my english papers, reading the essay my teacher had read out to the whole class. I was proud of myself. The appreciation felt good because it was the first time someone had acknowledged my work, called me to talk about what they thought I had in me. I remember looking blankly at my notebook, with a new pen in hand just scribbling whatever I thought was on my mind. Yes, the first time I wrote to you, it was on a lined piece of paper from my school rough notebook.
A lot has changed since 7th grade. And I remember filling up my rough notebooks year after year in class with details about crushes, seeing dad for the summer vacation, buying new story books and stationery, every little thing that seemed so BIG when life was as simple as it could get.
And finally I remember throwing away all my rough notebooks and diaries, all my letters to you for reasons that I myself, sometimes do not understand. But I know you've read them all. You've heard what others haven't and you've kept my words in silence, undiscovered. Thank You!
I'm writing to you after months now. Why? Because right now the whole city is wrapped in sleep and I am awake and I want to talk and YOU have always been the listener- The one with a blankness in you for me to fill with words from my heart, from my undead conscience among the million guilty around me.
At a point of time, you were my obsession. There was nothing more I needed than good book to read, a collection of good stationary, some good cartoons on TV and YOU. But that point of time is long gone. More than anything now, I want success. I want to know my way. I want the map that I'm meant to follow in my hands just so that I don't make the wrong choices. The only thing I can do is make a map of my own in my head. Follow a path that is home to my longings and dreams. But I've seen dreams crash before. And I don't if I'm the lucky one, who'll have it her way no matter what.
Despite how much things have changed, I know for sure that there are some evergreen things about me. One being that I don't want to grow up so fast. I try my best to take things at a pace slow enough to make me feel that I have enough time to be a kid. However, in my efforts to lag behind and take my own sweet time, I am pushed to run with time, at its pace, whether slow or fast, just to catch up with life. Because you can wait.. Life can't. Time can't. And this realization depresses me. There is never enough time and thats why you need to make your moves before its too late, or else tsunamis of time will drown you to make room for others like you.
Three years, the last one in particular, and this year in the running, have been the very best. I made friends who are ALWAYS going to be a major part of sweet memories of life. I've seen my relationship with my parents go through the worst and the best of times. Somehow, I am much closer to them now than I was before. And unlike the million teenagers out there, I have found friends for life in them. And I have only one person to thank for that. Had it not been for that person, the phase I went through because of him, had I not shared what that phase was like with my parents, I would have never believed they understood. And off all the bad, thats one of the two things I can thank him for.
I started to believe in Destiny and Fate this year. Its a belief and faith so strong that it would be hard to deter. I met this girl, called Nilanjana. It was in the most awkward way, and our friendship has evolved during and through the most painful times, but we were there for each other. I like to believe that the reason I had her best friend in my life as my boyfriend was because we both were destined to find in each other, friendship we could count on. And that is what I call FATE. NOT him, but HER. I remember when I broke up, Nilanjana sent me a text message saying, "Shiv, nothing changes between us." And the relief I felt, its not even funny. I don't know how far we'll go as friends because nothing is guaranteed in life. But I am just so grateful. Yes, I have my fears though. About our friendship. Because I strongly believe in the saying, "A flower that blooms quickly, wilts away even faster." It's held true for a lot. I just hope and pray, not in this case.
Last year, I became friends with Anjalee. The quiet, TALL girl in 6th grade, who I saw almost everyday till 10th grade, became my friend after so MANY years. And you know, she's the one I can count on to listen to me. She is the reason that I believe in myself, the little that I do anyway. Had it not been for her, I would be the girl with too much inside but nothing to let it out in.
I've been friends with Unnati for more than a year now. The fellow troublemaker from school and I are now best of friends. And she is someone I NEED as a part of my life, because she is a living idol of what we like to say is "LIVING LIFE". She's had her ups and her downs, I've seen her laugh and cry, I've seen her weak and strong.. And I've had her hold me and support me in whatever way she could. And two weeks from now, I cannot wait for our party together. :)
Sidak has changed.. A lot at that. Sometimes I don't even see her as the Sidak I have always known. But sometimes, I can still feel the essence of that soul, that person who I always seem to learn from, the person who I've seen fighting with everything she has had at hand. I don't know where life is leading us right now.. but I know, that she is one girl I will remember as my first TRUE best friend.
I don't have much to say about Puneeta. I don't know why. She's always been in the background, showing her colors once in a while. But you know diary, she has this warmth about her. Her lame jokes, her smile and the excitement in her voice have become a part of my life. :)
Wow, I'm getting tired now. I just wish the pen would just move on its own now. But I'm still going to talk. Everything is at a standstill right now. I don't know if thats good, but I feel the need to start running again. I feel like pushing myself forward, with this new found energy in me and make it through whatever there is in store for me. I want to shout, I want to dance. I want to lose control again.
Now, the weirdest part of this post. I recently met someone. Not someone special. But someone really charming and intelligent and BRAINY. And not too bad looking. The weird thing is.. I don't have the hots for him as such. Not in the normal way alteast. Call me gay, a geek or anything, but this guy makes me want to study. Eveytime, I look at him, or see him looking at me, I feel like doing physics or chemistry or maths.. Anything related to studies. I just feel like studying all day. I don't want to waste a minute on anything but my books. And when people ask me WHY I'm so weird.. All I can say, "I'm still finding out why?" HAAAA!
G'night.
Friday, August 6, 2010
I confess...
I thought I'd lost you. I thought that you had turned your back on me, given up on me. I thought that you, of all people YOU, had deserted me. I thought that you had found another ME. I thought that WE would never be the same again. I thought that WE didn't exist. I thought that you had forgotten. I thought that you would let go. I needn't say how wrong I was. Because this is YOU we're talking about.
It hadn't been the same for a while. I couldn't see past my ego and self respect. I didn't want to understand and I expected you to. Maybe because I had tried understanding too many things, too many people at the same time.. But somewhere there, I forgot that it was YOU I had to understand the most.
Life's unusually bland for me. I have tried to find colors other than black, gray and white in the paint-box that is usually brimming with pleasant colors I haven't had the opportunity to paint my canvas with. I have tried to stroke blank sheets of paper, with meaningful figures that make sense. All I got was the abnormal crumpling of the sheet, as if I were painting it with water.
Life is cluttered for you. Too full and I had once wished I could be a part of it somehow. Little did I realize, that I wasn't meant to be a part of the mess, but someone you could come to when everything was crashing down on you, someone who you could trust with the little distorted pieces of your life to help you put them back in their right places in the puzzle. But I have always known that. And I will always be THAT someone. I just wish you could help me FIND the pieces of my puzzle. They've been missing for too long now. The only piece I'm holding on to is YOU!
Its been a while since YOU and I have been WE. And I wanted you to know that.
It hadn't been the same for a while. I couldn't see past my ego and self respect. I didn't want to understand and I expected you to. Maybe because I had tried understanding too many things, too many people at the same time.. But somewhere there, I forgot that it was YOU I had to understand the most.
Life's unusually bland for me. I have tried to find colors other than black, gray and white in the paint-box that is usually brimming with pleasant colors I haven't had the opportunity to paint my canvas with. I have tried to stroke blank sheets of paper, with meaningful figures that make sense. All I got was the abnormal crumpling of the sheet, as if I were painting it with water.
Life is cluttered for you. Too full and I had once wished I could be a part of it somehow. Little did I realize, that I wasn't meant to be a part of the mess, but someone you could come to when everything was crashing down on you, someone who you could trust with the little distorted pieces of your life to help you put them back in their right places in the puzzle. But I have always known that. And I will always be THAT someone. I just wish you could help me FIND the pieces of my puzzle. They've been missing for too long now. The only piece I'm holding on to is YOU!
Its been a while since YOU and I have been WE. And I wanted you to know that.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Hanging By A Moment
I searched the audience from the wings looking for a familiar face. It was the same face I saw at the biggest of concerts and the smallest of gigs. It was the only face I needed to glimpse for my nervousness to melt away from the pits in my gut and for the strong hold on my throat to loosen. I searched the entire first row, the second and the third but I couldn't see her. I felt stones form in my stomach as I desperately tried to relax. It was only ten seconds later that I saw her sitting at the bar, at the back of the entire audience standing near the stage. I could feel the sudden relief, the sweat on my head cooling, as if I could feel a breeze blowing.
"In three.. two.. one" I was vaguely aware of the voice that maneuvered us on stage. My band mates confidently walked passed me, the three of them playfully boxing my shoulders. Strangely, even after years on stage, the nervousness never ceased to get the best of me, until I saw her.
It was the way she looked at me right in the eyes, the way she smiled confidently that helped me overcome my in-confidence. It was the look in her eyes that told me, that no matter what I sang tonight, no matter how good or bad I sounded, I could never disappoint her. For her, I was always at my best on stage. It was the calm expression on her face, that intense, unbreakable attention that she paid to me when I was on stage that told me that she listened to my music. The slightest jerk of her head when she felt my passion to the core, when she understood the emotion behind the sound that made its way out of my lungs. The way she held her breath when she saw me hold mine, in awe, she once said, at how powerful she thought my voice was. There were days when she would look at me with an unintentional grave expression, under which I felt naked to her power to see through me and I would realize that simply listening to my choice of songs for the night and the way I made them sound, she had yet again opened the doors to another part of my life, without my having to open them or explain to her why I had kept them closed for so long. She understood me. She understood my music. She understood my mind. She understood my life. Yes, she understood me.
" Desperate for changing,
Starving for truth,
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you.
I'm falling even more in love with you,
Letting go of all I've held onto.
I'm standing here until you make me move.
I'm hanging by a moment here with you. "
This was for her. Every word that I could hear in my own voice was for her tonight. I poured everything I had into it. I wanted her to hear how much I meant these words and they weren't just lyrics to another song I had written. And I knew she knew how much I meant what I sang. She knew how much I loved her. Just like every song I'd made her hear, every song that I had written, I didn't have to explain to her why I'd chosen those words. And I didn't have to explain tonight. She knew... she just did. I could see it in the way she smiled, the way she lightly bit her lip, the way she gently bowed her head, slightly to side, trying to hide the blush that was everything but inconspicuous to my eyes. It was the way she tried to escape my eyes, trying to look away as if her reaction wasn't meant for me to see that told me, she felt just the same.
"In three.. two.. one" I was vaguely aware of the voice that maneuvered us on stage. My band mates confidently walked passed me, the three of them playfully boxing my shoulders. Strangely, even after years on stage, the nervousness never ceased to get the best of me, until I saw her.
It was the way she looked at me right in the eyes, the way she smiled confidently that helped me overcome my in-confidence. It was the look in her eyes that told me, that no matter what I sang tonight, no matter how good or bad I sounded, I could never disappoint her. For her, I was always at my best on stage. It was the calm expression on her face, that intense, unbreakable attention that she paid to me when I was on stage that told me that she listened to my music. The slightest jerk of her head when she felt my passion to the core, when she understood the emotion behind the sound that made its way out of my lungs. The way she held her breath when she saw me hold mine, in awe, she once said, at how powerful she thought my voice was. There were days when she would look at me with an unintentional grave expression, under which I felt naked to her power to see through me and I would realize that simply listening to my choice of songs for the night and the way I made them sound, she had yet again opened the doors to another part of my life, without my having to open them or explain to her why I had kept them closed for so long. She understood me. She understood my music. She understood my mind. She understood my life. Yes, she understood me.
" Desperate for changing,
Starving for truth,
I'm closer to where I started
Chasing after you.
I'm falling even more in love with you,
Letting go of all I've held onto.
I'm standing here until you make me move.
I'm hanging by a moment here with you. "
This was for her. Every word that I could hear in my own voice was for her tonight. I poured everything I had into it. I wanted her to hear how much I meant these words and they weren't just lyrics to another song I had written. And I knew she knew how much I meant what I sang. She knew how much I loved her. Just like every song I'd made her hear, every song that I had written, I didn't have to explain to her why I'd chosen those words. And I didn't have to explain tonight. She knew... she just did. I could see it in the way she smiled, the way she lightly bit her lip, the way she gently bowed her head, slightly to side, trying to hide the blush that was everything but inconspicuous to my eyes. It was the way she tried to escape my eyes, trying to look away as if her reaction wasn't meant for me to see that told me, she felt just the same.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
And I still dream those dreams, I still see them coming to life.
I'm a dreamer. I always have been and always will be. Every night, as I lay my head on my pillow, I'm washed by a wave of dreams that drowns me into sound sleep. I wish for things. I wish for things that I've always wanted, things that I've lost and miss so much, things that were never mine in the first place but I long to just be close enough to touch them. I dream about being famous, being where I've always wanted to be, and seeing others where I think they deserve to. Its been a while since things have been pleasant. But, that doesn't change how amazing my dreams are. Because, I am a dreamer, always will be.
I dream about life in other people's shoes and their life in mine. Its mainly at night that I try and understand others. Its something that has helped me figure out the most complex minds to a certain extent. I try and figure people out. I reason with their reasons. Sometimes its like I'm two people at once- As the first, I am myself, and as the second I am who I'm thinking about. I don't usually choose who I want to think about. Their picture just hits my head as the last thought at night before I sleep and then I spend most of the night unconsciously thinking. Weird, huh? But its true. And then before you know it, people's reactions don't surprise me.
Sometimes my dreams are weird and like the others who believe, I try and find meaning in them. I always believe that weird dreams are life's way of forewarning us about happenings and though I can't always remember my dreams I know what to expect. Its like an intuition coming to life at night.
But despite all that, I don't want everything I wish for. I don't want everything in one go. I don't want anything I don't deserve. Why? Because I'm a dreamer. I can't dream about things I already have. So I don't want everything. Because I want to be able to dream. I like being a dreamer. And so I still dream those dreams. I still see them coming to life.. :)
Monday, August 2, 2010
*YAWN*
Okay, so its been a long tiring day and all I can think of is how unpredictable the last two have been. Really, they have! So today was BORING! And I think I need some drama in my life. I need something to happen. Obviously I don't mean a melodramatic scene, with tears and complaints.. Because right now I can't handle THAT! But, some really good gossip, bitching sessions with friends, and a sleepover to bond over, a LONG movie night. Sigh. Thats more like it! :)
I guess you've figured by now how random this post is going to be. And trust me its going to get worse.
I cannot.. just CANNOT wait to throw my house party one of these days. Yes, the whole house to me and a very cool grown up who's going to be "looking after us" Haa.. you wish! Now all I have to take care of is the neighbors. Issues with loud music! :|
I need to take pictures. I really do. I'm bored with the ones on facebook. AND YES I FEEL SO BLONDE!
I think I need ferror rocher right now. God, its so tempting. <3
I don't feel like going to school tomorrow. (Nothing new, trust me! :P)
My head is hurting. And I need to plan out a party which I have a bad feeling isn't going to work out for this Sunday. Why does this have to happen to me?! I need to get out and DANCE!
I've never been drunk before. I was studying on my 16th birthday. :| Which is reason enough to want to get up and PAAAARTTTAAAY! :D
I have school tomorrow. I should sleep. What am I waiting for? Its already midnight. Or five minutes to it anyway.
Why is it so WARM? Gosh, I've been sitting without a fan and air-conditioner for the past hour. I don't know why! :|
My YOUNGER sister is shouting at me. She wants me to help her find a ROUGH notebook. Uff.. *feel like hitting my head against the wall*
And its three minutes to midnight. It'll take a minute to set the alarm. Leaves with two minutes. And by the time I shut down the computer and go to bed, it'll be 12. I need to get up at 6 am. Six hours should be enough, right?
This is for those who bothered too completely read this post.
Goodnight! :)
I guess you've figured by now how random this post is going to be. And trust me its going to get worse.
I cannot.. just CANNOT wait to throw my house party one of these days. Yes, the whole house to me and a very cool grown up who's going to be "looking after us" Haa.. you wish! Now all I have to take care of is the neighbors. Issues with loud music! :|
I need to take pictures. I really do. I'm bored with the ones on facebook. AND YES I FEEL SO BLONDE!
I think I need ferror rocher right now. God, its so tempting. <3
I don't feel like going to school tomorrow. (Nothing new, trust me! :P)
My head is hurting. And I need to plan out a party which I have a bad feeling isn't going to work out for this Sunday. Why does this have to happen to me?! I need to get out and DANCE!
I've never been drunk before. I was studying on my 16th birthday. :| Which is reason enough to want to get up and PAAAARTTTAAAY! :D
I have school tomorrow. I should sleep. What am I waiting for? Its already midnight. Or five minutes to it anyway.
Why is it so WARM? Gosh, I've been sitting without a fan and air-conditioner for the past hour. I don't know why! :|
My YOUNGER sister is shouting at me. She wants me to help her find a ROUGH notebook. Uff.. *feel like hitting my head against the wall*
And its three minutes to midnight. It'll take a minute to set the alarm. Leaves with two minutes. And by the time I shut down the computer and go to bed, it'll be 12. I need to get up at 6 am. Six hours should be enough, right?
This is for those who bothered too completely read this post.
Goodnight! :)
Like I said...
You know, some people are stupid enough to not trust my sense of judgement. If there's one thing I know, its that I'm mostly never wrong about reading people's intentions. Sometimes I'm so right that its almost pleasing in a hurtful way. Confused about what that means? Well its simple really. Sometimes you don't want to be right. You want to prove yourself wrong. But when it happens, you know you've won that bet, you've shown people how right you were. And that pleasing sense of being right comes along with the hurt that you were deep inside prepared for.
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