Dear Diary

This is something I wrote on a sheet of paper last night. No electricity, so I couldn't switch on the computer and post it on blogger directly. And I was too lazy to find my latest diary. I have no idea where it is right now.

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Dear Diary,
I remember the first time I wrote to you. I was 12. I remember sitting down, looking at one of my english papers, reading the essay my teacher had read out to the whole class. I was proud of myself. The appreciation felt good because it was the first time someone had acknowledged my work, called me to talk about what they thought I had in me. I remember looking blankly at my notebook, with a new pen in hand just scribbling whatever I thought was on my mind. Yes, the first time I wrote to you, it was on a lined piece of paper from my school rough notebook.

A lot has changed since 7th grade. And I remember filling up my rough notebooks year after year in class with details about crushes, seeing dad for the summer vacation, buying new story books and stationery, every little thing that seemed so BIG when life was as simple as it could get.

And finally I remember throwing away all my rough notebooks and diaries, all my letters to you for reasons that I myself, sometimes do not understand. But I know you've read them all. You've heard what others haven't and you've kept my words in silence, undiscovered. Thank You!

I'm writing to you after months now. Why? Because right now the whole city is wrapped in sleep and I am awake and I want to talk and YOU have always been the listener- The one with a blankness in you for me to fill with words from my heart, from my undead conscience among the million guilty around me.

At a point of time, you were my obsession. There was nothing more I needed than good book to read, a collection of good stationary, some good cartoons on TV and YOU. But that point of time is long gone. More than anything now, I want success. I want to know my way. I want the map that I'm meant to follow in my hands just so that I don't make the wrong choices. The only thing I can do is make a map of my own in my head. Follow a path that is home to my longings and dreams. But I've seen dreams crash before. And I don't if I'm the lucky one, who'll have it her way no matter what.

Despite how much things have changed, I know for sure that there are some evergreen things about me. One being that I don't want to grow up so fast. I try my best to take things at a pace slow enough to make me feel that I have enough time to be a kid. However, in my efforts to lag behind and take my own sweet time, I am pushed to run with time, at its pace, whether slow or fast, just to catch up with life. Because you can wait.. Life can't. Time can't. And this realization depresses me. There is never enough time and thats why you need to make your moves before its too late, or else tsunamis of time will drown you to make room for others like you.

Three years, the last one in particular, and this year in the running, have been the very best. I made friends who are ALWAYS going to be a major part of sweet memories of life. I've seen my relationship with my parents go through the worst and the best of times. Somehow, I am much closer to them now than I was before. And unlike the million teenagers out there, I have found friends for life in them. And I have only one person to thank for that. Had it not been for that person, the phase I went through because of him, had I not shared what that phase was like with my parents, I would have never believed they understood. And off all the bad, thats one of the two things I can thank him for.

I started to believe in Destiny and Fate this year. Its a belief and faith so strong that it would be hard to deter. I met this girl, called Nilanjana. It was in the most awkward way, and our friendship has evolved during and through the most painful times, but we were there for each other. I like to believe that the reason I had her best friend in my life as my boyfriend was because we both were destined to find in each other, friendship we could count on. And that is what I call FATE. NOT him, but HER. I remember when I broke up, Nilanjana sent me a text message saying, "Shiv, nothing changes between us." And the relief I felt, its not even funny. I don't know how far we'll go as friends because nothing is guaranteed in life. But I am just so grateful. Yes, I have my fears though. About our friendship. Because I strongly believe in the saying, "A flower that blooms quickly, wilts away even faster." It's held true for a lot. I just hope and pray, not in this case.

Last year, I became friends with Anjalee. The quiet, TALL girl in 6th grade, who I saw almost everyday till 10th grade, became my friend after so MANY years. And you know, she's the one I can count on to listen to me. She is the reason that I believe in myself, the little that I do anyway. Had it not been for her, I would be the girl with too much inside but nothing to let it out in.

I've been friends with Unnati for more than a year now. The fellow troublemaker from school and I are now best of friends. And she is someone I NEED as a part of my life, because she is a living idol of what we like to say is "LIVING LIFE". She's had her ups and her downs, I've seen her laugh and cry, I've seen her weak and strong.. And I've had her hold me and support me in whatever way she could. And two weeks from now, I cannot wait for our party together. :)

Sidak has changed.. A lot at that. Sometimes I don't even see her as the Sidak I have always known. But sometimes, I can still feel the essence of that soul, that person who I always seem to learn from, the person who I've seen fighting with everything she has had at hand. I don't know where life is leading us right now.. but I know, that she is one girl I will remember as my first TRUE best friend.

I don't have much to say about Puneeta. I don't know why. She's always been in the background, showing her colors once in a while. But you know diary, she has this warmth about her. Her lame jokes, her smile and the excitement in her voice have become a part of my life. :)

Wow, I'm getting tired now. I just wish the pen would just move on its own now. But I'm still going to talk. Everything is at a standstill right now. I don't know if thats good, but I feel the need to start running again. I feel like pushing myself forward, with this new found energy in me and make it through whatever there is in store for me. I want to shout, I want to dance. I want to lose control again.

Now, the weirdest part of this post. I recently met someone. Not someone special. But someone really charming and intelligent and BRAINY. And not too bad looking. The weird thing is.. I don't have the hots for him as such. Not in the normal way alteast. Call me gay, a geek or anything, but this guy makes me want to study. Eveytime, I look at him, or see him looking at me, I feel like doing physics or chemistry or maths.. Anything related to studies. I just feel like studying all day. I don't want to waste a minute on anything but my books. And when people ask me WHY I'm so weird.. All I can say, "I'm still finding out why?" HAAAA!

G'night.